Grace Bromage ’23

Tired of Zoom

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

As we enter our third semester with virutal schooling, it is safe to say that while Zoom is a great tool, it is a vastly different experience than in-person classes. I long for the days when I actually had to wake up, get dressed, and walk across campus for my 9 A.M.s. Now, I can just roll out of bed and get ready afterwards. What a disappointment.

Truthfully, Zoom has brought me many exciting experiences: watching my male classmates struggle to grow beards, watching my professors grow increasingly more frustrated with technology, etc. I’ve even learned to keep my eyes open for the rare roommate or family member who does not realize that there is a live camera feed.

At the Spire, we were lucky enough to recover the internal thoughts from one Zoom student (Let’s hope my superiors don’t read this and realize that I’ve given away our top-secret mind reading skills): 

This is the third time I’ve had to stifle a yawn in class. I promise the class is not boring, I just stay up way too late.

Maybe the class is boring… but the professor is nice so I can’t admit that.

Why is another student just jugging a gallon of milk? Why can I not look away?

I participated! This day is a success!

Okay, so my classmate’s roommate is actually taking off his shirt on camera.

Does his roommate realize this is happening behind him? Why is this happening? I cannot be the only one noticing this.

I should try to make friends in this class. I know no one and it’s been almost two months.

Half-naked guy is gone.

Why do my male classmates try to grow a beards? A large group of them cannot.

Coolbeans ran out of matcha lattes again? I don’t ask for that much and I am still disappointed.

What am I hoping to accomplish in this life?

Did I zone off this much in regular class? Or is it just online classes?

Shirtless guy has returned, still without a shirt.

Oh, his roommate on the zoom call has turned away from the screen to talk to him. 

Okay, shirtless guy put on a shirt. And now he’s off the camera. Did no one else notice that?

I’ll settle for a chai latte to wake me up.

… Maybe I’ll just take a nap instead.