Catherine Yaskira ’24
Spreading School Spirit
Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.
In an UNPRECEDENTED PR stunt, the College of the Holy Cross has changed its mascot from an armor-clad crusader to an armor-clad Anthony Fauci. Armed with vaccines instead of a sword, the reinvented HC mascot is embracing the “new normal” while reaping the benefits of their now-famous alum! With all of the press Fauci has been getting because of COVID-19, the head of the HC mascot focus group was quoted saying, “Hey, we might as well ride on Fauci’s coattails a bit longer…. Oh, uh, and we’re really proud of the work he has done with the pandemic and blah blah blah.” What better way to honor the world-renowned immunologist leading the fight against COVID than immortalizing him in a funny purple costume?!
Needless to say, Dr. Fauci is beyond grateful for this coveted honor. Over the past year, Fauci has become a household name known for his work on COVID-19. He recently won the international one-million-dollar Dan David Prize, has been featured in magazines, and made headlines; he has been praised by leaders worldwide and is the chief medical advisor to the president, et cetera et cetera. But no other reward is more meaningful than becoming the HC mascot. An anonymous school administrator reported that when Fauci heard the great news, he said, with tears in his eyes, “Becoming the mascot of my AMAZING alma mater is the greatest honor I have ever received. This is the pinnacle of my career. I can say with full certainty that I will never be happier than I am at this moment.”
Fauci’s trail of accolades and accomplishments started long before his involvement in dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic. He became the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in 1984 and has worked tirelessly as a lead researcher during the AIDS epidemic and has advised seven presidents on HIV/AIDS along with other health threats. The same anonymous school administrator also reported that Fauci said, “Though I earned my medical degree from Cornell, I owe all of my medical expertise and subsequent accomplishments to Holy Cross, the best college in the nation…no… the world”. So really, when you think about it, Holy Cross deserves at least 60% of the credit for all of the things Fauci has done; and the college humbly accepts the nation’s gratitude and in return only requests that Fauci personally administer the COVID vaccine to all HC students and faculty. Congrats Fauci!