Stacey Kaliabakos ‘23
Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.
For quite a long time now, Holy Cross has been abuzz with the pleasant sounds of construction. The new testing center (I mean, the “Recreation and Wellness Center”) was finally completed just in time for students this spring to take full advantage of it– in the middle of a pandemic, no less. Who wouldn’t want to get all sweaty and gross in the same building as students lining up to get tested for COVID-19? It’s mind-boggling how people may not want to use the Jo for their personal workouts– it’s definitely worth waking up before 8 AM to sign up for a slot of myHC, everyone’s favorite social media app. And the up-and-coming Julia, the new Performing Arts Center, is looking quite dashing up on Mount St. James. Who on earth would not appreciate a gigantic building blocking the near-perfect skyline of Worcester? I can definitely trade the beautiful sunset views from the Hart Center for the lovely billowing of tarps and sounds of banging equipment from the Performing Arts Center.
However, another construction project at the College of the Holy Cross has been kept under wraps for a while. A few weeks ago while eating in Kimball, I overheard (a miraculous feat, in my opinion, considering the loudness of the funky covers that typically prevent people from hearing one another at meals) some staff members talking about an undertaking the school had recently signed off on. What could it be? A new dining hall? An extension to the library? More housing for cramped students? Fully functional bathrooms???
As a true journalist, I took it upon myself to figure out what the school was planning for us. In between classes, I braved my Zoom fatigue and silenced the incessant screams of my Canvas notifications to do some investigating. Walking the halls of O’Kane, sleuthing outside doors in Smith, and even eavesdropping around the construction work outside in the bitter New England winter weather, I began to piece it all together.
Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me, forcing me to do what should only be done in a spy film– I snuck into Father Boroughs’ office. (This may seem excessive to you, dear reader, but our top priority at The Spire is to bring you all the information we can about Holy Cross, and I was not about to disappoint our dedicated audience by not breaking this huge story.) Walking across the solid wooden floors, my footsteps creaking with every step, I came upon his desk. Spread out over the entirety of its surface was a blueprint… a blueprint of an enormous Dr. Fauci statue.
The plan is for this statue to be built with its base spanning the entirety of the Hoval. The statue is to be made entirely of marble and will be over 50 feet tall (unintentionally ironic for Fauci’s 5’7” height). This way, Holy Cross’ most notable alum will always be front and center not only in the minds of students, but literally on Holy Cross’ campus itself. The legacy of Father Boroughs, who will be departing from Holy Cross this fall, rests upon the development of this monument– it is a testament to #HCTogether, a blazing example of how far a Jesuit liberal arts education can take someone (if they actually pay attention in class), and the physical manifestation of where the college is allocating your tuition money. Whatever this news may mean to Holy Cross students individually, I know what it means to me: Fauci Friday… every day.