Bridget Flaherty ‘21

The Jo’s Resident Treadmill Squatter

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

Worcester’s hottest club is … the Jo! It has everything — treadmills, ellipticals, squat racks, college-approved COVID tests, rowing machines, massive bottles of hand sanitizer, and cutouts of Dr. Fauci taped to traffic cones. On any given day, you can see students lining up outside the doors with reusable water bottles and an extra pair of sneakers, ready to post an Instagram story as soon as they enter the gym. 

The anticipation proved too much for one underclassman who had to cancel her appointment due to lightheadedness brought on by the three masks she was wearing. Another student was frantically staring at his school ID, stating “They might not let me in if I don’t have my information memorized. I heard some kid got his ID taken at the door and he had to walk home alone after his friends all got in.” 

The student at the front of the line proudly boasted that she waited overnight for the first spot in line. “My friend told me that all of the treadmills get taken quickly, so I grabbed a blanket and some snacks and camped out all night,” she told The Spire exclusively. “It’ll all be worth it if I get a treadmill.” Good news readers — she did in fact secure a treadmill, just in time to try the infamous 12-3-30 TikTok workout. 

One student was found crying in the bathroom, being consoled by a friend standing six feet away. When pressed for information, she explained that her crush was on the elliptical two machines over from another girl. “Does he not know that I’m here,” she mumbled underneath her tears and Athleta face mask. “I’m literally right here and he knows it. He waves to me and then he gets on an elliptical on the other side of the gym? Why would he do that?” During her breakdown, another student emerged from the stall with some unsolicited, yet timeless, words of wisdom: “Girl, you look too good to be sitting in here crying about a boy. Get out there and show him what he’s missing!” The two new friends walked out arm and arm before being scolded by a freshman employee in a hideous campus rec polo shirt.

The administration is happy to finally see a much-awaited money pit become a success, and the students are too. They’re particularly excited to see all three lanes of the indoor track open at once, however a source close to a high-ranking administrator advised students not to hold their breath (unless they’re fourteen feet apart from each other, of course). “To be honest, the indoor track is just for show,” the source revealed. “What are people going to do? Have power walking races? It was just a cheap way to fill the space.” Old habits die hard.