Nicole Letendre ’23

Liaison to the D.U.H.

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

While Holy Cross is known as a relatively safe campus, a recent emergence of a notorious creature on campus has provoked a spike in stolen food and menacing stare-downs. That creature, you may well know as the mighty Holy Cross squirrel. 2-3ft long, and weighing north of 10 pounds, these monsters have preyed on hurried students near the shadowy brush of Campion House, locking reddened beady eyes with the teary eyes of students. After a recent close-encounter, Holy Cross student Terry F. Ide recounted, hands still shaking, “They don’t fear death.” It’s safe to say Terry will think twice before locking eyes with a Holy Cross squirrel again. 

That is not even the beginning of the horror stories. Another student, who prefers to remain anonymous, claimed after walking out of Lower Kimball, to see a blood-thirsty squirrel with a chicken leg gripped between its jaws, scaling down the side of a trash can. The scraping of claws, rap, rap, rap, still haunts his dreams. At that moment, the squirrel hissed with teeth bared, as the student went running. There seems to be no end to the chilling accounts. 

There can only be one explanation for the unique behavior of these squirrels and it comes from a tall-tale. According to legend, Cool Beans has a hidden pipe which flows out into the woods, expelling the excess coffee after hours. Some have speculated that that undisclosed location happens to be the home of the squirrels, or more commonly known as the Holy Cross Crooks. This coffee may be the source of their super-squirrel strength. If you have any information on these creatures, or any close-encounters of your own to share, please contact the Department of Unexplained Habitats, also known as D.U.H. The D.U.H. advises that under no circumstances should you approach these unpredictable creatures, and they offer a helpful acronym for what NOT to do: Provoke. Offer food. Kneel. Eye contact. Do not P.O.K.E. and you will surely survive any close-encounter.