Eggplant

Gubment

Mario Micallef ’22

An Eggplant Editor

[Interior of a recording studio within a semi-abandoned corporate building in a suburb outside of Tampa, Florida, Tuesday, 7 a.m.] 

[Chester Bigly, hosts the conservative radio show “Bigly Right” where he has a special guest for the day’s show.] 

[Chester holds a steaming mug of coffee with a sticker that reads “trickle down” and taps his fingers on the sound mixing board in front of him.]

Chester (in a thick southern accent): Welcome back to “Bigly Right”. If you are new to this show, which accordin to my calculations- especially after our most recent auction of Lord Reagan’s ties- we are up another 25%, so you might not know of my latest crusade. For the entire month of August, I’ve been explainin the benefits of puttin a political sign in your yard. As I’ve said: the sign’s purpose is to bring those people who think the right way closer, and those that don’t, farther. Now, a word from our sponsor. 

[Heavy rock music plays with explosions and machine guns noises in the back. A prerecorded sponsored ad plays over the speakers while Chester takes massive rips from an immensely large vape box.]

Prerecorded Chester: You ever worry if the soap you’re using to wash is manly enough? Well stop being a baby and try Yoap! It’s an all new body wash. Tested by the army! With the fresh smell of pungent tears from the lost hope of returning from a war that started before you were even alive, this new manly formula will make you the stud of your own town’s gun range! At only $99.99, get yourself a bottle of Yoap today! (Side effects may vary.)

Chester: Now, today on the show, we have a terrific gust. He is the most smartest and most best trucker, frankly ever in this entire blessed country. His name is Dale Westonburn, and I have been a huge fan of his Ham radio show that has been on the airwaves since 1984. Studies by the most tremendous studiers have shown that Dale played a huge part in helping Lord Reagan reach his throne. It is my honor, and privilege, to welcome on to the show, Mr. Dale Westonburn, give him a big hand ladies and gentlemen. 

[Chester pushes a button and an applause erupts over the speaker system of the studio.]

[Dale, a large man, dressed in dirty blue jeans with a red lumberjack shirt, adorning a red & blue trucker hat with the word “Freedom” on the front, walks into the studio and puts on headphones that just barely cover his massive head and trucker hat.]

Chester: Howdy Dale. How’re you doin on this fine mornin? 

[Dale grabs onto the microphone, and re-adjusts himself to fit into the small office chair his behind ain’t quite used to.]

Dale: Hi there Chester. I wish it was a fine mornin, but you know damn well our Lord and savior Reagan has been dead for almost 16 years, and we still don’t get the 5th of June off work to mourn.

Chester: Amen to that.

Dale: But anyways, the damn secret lib gubment is always causin problems. Especially for us truckers.

Chester: What’d they do now, Dale?

Dale: Well, I tell ya h’what, the drive from Tallahassee to Omaha got a whole lot longer all of sudden. I swears it. I think it was the rich libs in da gubment that gone done it. Always addin roads and miles to my time. Causes me to have to pull over and stop my tape of Bush’s inaugural address, and of Cheney’s ‘face the nation’. I hate it! Damn gubment, always on my behind, sayin I gotta wipe and then wash my hands. 

Chester: I know exactly what you mean Dale. I am thrilled you brought all of this up today on the show because I have got a special guest for you. 

Dale (laughs): What the hell you talkin ‘bout Chester? What guest? 

Chester: And our next guest, da gubment!

[Chester snaps his fingers a few times.]

[A hollow figure -no head nor hands showing, in a black suit and tie with an American flag pin on the left breast- opens the door and stands in the doorway.] 

[Dale grows pale, his mouth gapes open in horror. He quickly covers his eyes.]

Dale: God almighty! What in tarnation? Get me out of here!

[Dale quickly gets up, pulls the headphones away, and shakes out of his chair.]

Chester: Dale wait don’t go!

[Dale heads for the window, jumps through it (they are on the first floor) and with the now broken blinds hanging on his right foot, he sprint-limps toward his truck. Then he hops in the large cab of the truck and peels out of the parking lot.]

[Chester clears his throat and ushers his next guest to sit down.]

Chester: Well, I’m sorry for the interruption. Please, have a seat. Let’s have a chat: what’re your thoughts on political signs? 

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