features

Response to Social Distancing, by Major

Jackie Cannon ’20

Social Distancing Expert (AKA Hardcore Introvert)

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

In a recent poll undertaken by The Eggplant’s research division, Holy Cross students weighed in on how they’re responding to social distancing. 

Biology: “Would it be weird to say my feelings towards Dr. Fauci are no longer platonic?”

Political Science: “Don’t forget to vote in the primaries! #democracyneverstops” 

Chemistry: “So turns out cooking is *not* the same as Chem lab…”

Economics: “This is not how I wanted to learn about recessions.”

International Studies: “Yeah, this is what my professors meant when they asked about the possible drawbacks of globalization” 

Math: “Yesterday I was so bored I found the end of pi.” 

History: “You worry people are getting sick, I say it’s truly mesmerizing to be living during a historical epoch”

Sociology: “My final paper is called ‘Closing the Gap: How Students are Maintaining Relationships During Social Distancing.’”

Accounting: “I don’t know when we’ll ever go back to school, but at least I already have my internship locked in for summer 2021!”

Music: “Why are the acoustics in my bedroom weirdly good? 

Computer Science: “For Christ’s sake, mute your microphone when you’re not speaking on Zoom!” 

Modern Languages: “I’ve been home for three weeks and my dog only responds to commands in Russian now” 

Classics: “RIP Classics Day 2020 :(“

Psychology: “Exercise! Read a book! Take a bubble bath! Facetime a friend! #selfcare!” [For real tho, self-care is no joke!]

English: “Wait, I’m not the only one staying in reading on Saturday nights anymore?”

Philosophy: “Well, to play Devil’s advocate, what if the cure is worse than the disease? You know, just for argument’s sake?”

Religious Studies: “I’ll never need to take another ethics class again after this nightmare is over” 

Studio Art: “How many different angles can I draw my bedroom from? We’re up to 7 so far.”

Theatre: “525,600 Minutes…525,600 moments of boredom.

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