Mario Micallef ’22
Eggplant Editor

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

[8:30 a.m., Rolla, Missouri, Donut King]

[Michael and Amanda, sent home from college in Massachusetts due to the coronavirus, walk into a donut shop midway through their trek across the country, enroute to Las Vegas.]

[One employee stands between the counter with a cash register and the wall of donuts behind him, above displays the marquee menu: donut $0.50 each, coffee $1.50]

Arthur: Hi there, welcome in. What can I get y’all today?

Michael: Hey, we are going to do some donuts. 

[Michael looks at the menu and surveys the wall of donuts in silence]

Amanda (whispering to Michael): Let’s get a half dozen.

Arthur: The glazed are the freshest, I just put them out before ya’ll walked in. 

Michael: Sounds good, well, we will do a half dozen. 

[Arthur grabs a box and folds it out]

Arthur: Alrighty, what can I get ya?

Amanda: Are these trans fat free? 

Arthur: A trans what?

Michael (whispering aside to Amanda): No, of course not.

[Amanda sighs heavily]

Michael: Nevermind that, she was just checking to see if you guys take cards.

Arthur: Oh, why yes we do. Funny you ask that because we’ve been cash only for 40 years. My daddy and his daddy were always on the run from the IRS, you know how it is; such a bloody mess.

Amanda: We’ll do two raspberry filled. 

Arthur: Ok, and what else?

Michael: Two glazed.

Arthur: Alrighty. What’s next?

Michael: How many are left?

Arthur: We’ve got this whole shelf and I’ve been making some Boston Kreme’s and Eclair’s in the back all this morning.

Michael: No how many left can we choose for the half dozen?

Arthur: Oh, um, two. You’ve got two left. Say what part of town are y’all from? 

Amanda: We are driving from Boston to Las Vegas. 

Arthur: Jesus Christ, that is far! What is that like 14 hours?

Michael: This is our second day, and yeah I think yesterday it was about 14 hours. 

Arthur (pointing with his finger): Wait what? Did y’all make a lot of stops? Boston to Las Vegas is about 14.

Amanda: What do you mean? Boston to Las Vegas is going to take us like three days. I’ll do one Boston Kreme by the way.

[Arthur walks over and picks up the remaining Boston Kreme]

Michael: Shi-Christ, damn it Amanda you better have gotten that for me because you know that is my favorite. Arthur, your name is Arthur right?

Arthur (perplexed): It is. And wait a minute you’re tellin’ me Boston to Vegas is gonna take longer than 14 hours? 

Michael (confused): I mean yeah, it is almost going coast to coast across the country. Like she said it is going to take us a few days. How many do we have left?

Arthur: By God, that’s wild! And, you’ve got one left, sir. There are six total for a half dozen donuts if you didn’t know that. 

Amanda: We will do one of those long maples. 

Arthur: Sounds good.

[Arthur goes and picks up the remaining donut for their half dozen]

Amanda: Thank you. And Arthur, are you from Missouri?

[Arthur stops closing the box of donuts]

Arthur: What did you say?

[Michael clears his throat]

Amanda: I said: are you from Missouri?

Arthur (hesitates): … Yes I am. Why do you ask?

Amanda: No reason.

Arthur: Do y’all want somethin’ to drink?

Michael: Yeah I’ll do an iced coffee. Amanda you want one as well right?

Arthur: A what? 

Michael: An iced coffee.

Arthur: I’ve never made one of those. We don’t have any ice here anyways.

Michael: Alright a hot coffee is fine. Amanda, do you want one?

Amanda: No, I’m all set.

Arthur: Alrighty, a half dozen and one hot coffee, that will be 4.50. Cash or card?

Amanda (pulls out her phone and presses it on the card reader): I’ll just use Apple Pay.

Arthur: A what?

Michael (quickly pulling out a bill from his wallet): Here’s a five, keep the change.

Arthur: Keep it where?

Michael: I don’t know, in your pocket maybe?

Arthur: Geez, y’all are somethin’ else. 

[Arthur hands over the box of donuts and coffee to Michael]

Arthur: Y’all take care now.

[Michael grabs the box handing it to Amanda, picks up the coffee, and heads to the door]

Michael: Peace out

Amanda: See ya.

[The door closes and Arthur holds the five dollar bill up to the light]

Arthur (shaking his head): Strange folk.

[Amanda and Michael head to their car and look at eachother]

Amanda: Damn.

Michael: Yeah, what a weirdo.