Escalator Galore

Ethan Bachand ’22

Rehm Talk Specialist

Despite the announcement being kept secret, the College of the Holy Cross is set to build escalators all over campus in an attempt to eliminate stairs. With students currently off campus, the project is expected to be completed by next semester.

In an internal memo that was leaked to The Spire, a total of 43 escalators will be built throughout Mount St. James to go along with 18 moving walkways that will be added to existing buildings. The project will revolutionize the way students travel across campus, after years of trudging  The cost of the project came out to nothing, as the escalator company offered to complete the project pro bono.

Photo by Hui Li ’21, fancy camera extraordinaire
Picture this: You’re absolutely stuffed after eating a few too many garlic knots on Chicken Parm night. Instead of trekking up the mighty Mt. St. James to get all the way up to Healy, you can simply hop on an escalator and enjoy the view!

When interviewed about the company’s decision, CEO Mr. Eric Z. Stairs said, “The decision was actual pretty easy after I visited campus. I had just made it down to the dining hall when I finished estimating cost, but my car was parked up at the Hogan Campus Center. I immediately called the Board of Trustees to inform them we would do the project free of charge once I reached my car a hour later.”

The largest escalator to be installed will run as a straight shot from Kimball Dining Hall to the Luth Athletic Complex. Experts (math majors with nothing else better to do in quarantine) estimate that the ride will take a total of 15 minutes. The shortest one will replace half of the staircase connecting the Stein Hall bridge to Linden Lane.

Two major concerns almost derailed the project, according to the memo obtained by The Spire. The first was the efficiency of escalators being placed outdoors during the winter, to which the answer was simple: “Wear a jacket.” The second was the use of electricity that the new transportation methods would require. With an even less eloquent response, a drawing was included of a person shrugging.        

The project has set forth precedent for more convenient transportation in the future, as talks within the Student Government Association have begun over ziplines connecting Easy Street to Freshman Field. However, as an undisclosed official of the College who works on the first floor of Fenwick commentated, that was too “unrealistic”. 

Categories: Eggplant, News

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