Scandal in Holy Cross Bookstore

Matt Anderson ‘21 

Eggplant Editor

It may seem innocuous. It may even be seen as having a little fun. But a leaked FBI dossier has revealed that shopping at the Holy Cross bookstore supports a vile industry of monopoly and organized crime. “I’ve seen a lot of vile stuff in my time with the bureau, but nothing quite like this,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray. “The sheer depravity beggars belief.” 

When people imagine the bookstore, they usually imagine sweet old ladies, who smile sympathetically when a copy of The Prince somehow manages to cost enough to require a payment plan. However, it is these ladies who run the most sophisticated book-racket in the Northeast. By issuing threats of– and even resorting to– violence, they have kept tight control over campus.

“I was positively terrified,” said an anonymous professor. “I tried to resist them, by telling my students to get their books from a third party. You know, I wanted them to support the little guy instead of propping up the book store’s monopoly. I told them to try this site I’d found called Amazon. When they heard what I was doing (he shudders), three of them showed up at my office. Adelaide waterboarded me with prune juice, Agnes dislocated my vertebrae with a rolled-up book of crosswords, and Constance stabbed me in the thigh with what I can only assume was a sharpened knitting needle. Since the attack, I’ve been sleeping in a different friend’s home every night, trying to keep ahead of the bookstore’s enforcers. This morning they left a calling card on my desk, to try to stop me from speaking with you. It was a single Werther’s Original hard candy.” 

As of the writing of this article, Ursula Bulger, the leader of the bookstore’s syndicate and relation to Irish mob boss “Whitey” Bulger is on the run. She has since been placed on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted List, and all students are urged to remain vigilant. 

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