Holy Cross Caucus 2020

Greg Hausler ‘20

Chief Eggplant Editor

Breaking: Father Boroughs has proclaimed that Holy Cross will begin using caucus styled voting to deal with the perpetual bevy of political, social, and environmental issues that arise on THE Mt St. James. For those of you unfamiliar with caucus style voting or simply the word caucus, I can’t help you as no one really understands it or how a state as insignificant as Iowa has managed to gain such a prominent role in our political process. Iowa has Costanzaed the entire country to an admirable extent as it continues to just show up with no questions being asked. The only thing that could be worse is if Connecticut(also known as Massachusetts/New York) found itself as a pillar of the electoral cycle.

However, what I can tell you after minutes of studying the caucuses on Wikipedia is that it involves standing in corners of a gym and holding some signs. Sadly Father Boroughs’ latest plans for reform are going to be delayed as our current non athlete portion of the campus population has no gym privileges until 2034 and would only be allowed into the Hart Center from 10-10:15 pm on weeknights. 

At the Eggplant, we pride ourselves on our unparalleled journalistic integrity and sought to reach out to the best and most respected experts in the political field to see their thoughts on the groundbreaking proposal. When asked to comment on the prospect of a college adopting caucus styled voting procedures, political commentator/disgraced congressman Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner said “hey nothing wrong with a bunch of coeds in one spot talking about the nitty gritty.” For the safety of our Eggplant staffer on the call with former Congressman Weiner we hung up the phone and immediately contacted proper authorities fearing our phone’s safety from a barrage of unsolicited messages.

Our next option was to reach out to the esteemed counsel of President Donald J. Trump, Attorney of Chaos Rudolph Giuliani. America’s former mayor and current drunk uncle struggling to remember where he parked, commented in support of the proposal “I love the Iowa caucuses. Clowns, cotton candy, keno! What more could a guy want from a school field trip….No quid pro quo.”

Additionally, the proposal towards a campus wide caucus does not seem to be an easily understood topic for students on campus as junior Brad Chaddington asked “Yoo bro, so does this mean I can break out my Saturdays are for the Boys flag? Thing is absolute gas.” Stay tuned throughout the semester as the Eggplant promises to give you unbiased and down the middle journalism on Election 2020 that no other media conglomerate has pledged to provide.

Categories: Eggplant

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