The Spire

Hannah Johnson ’21
Gamer Girl

Note: This article appears in The Spire’s satirical section, The Eggplant.

Word on the street is the REAL Scout from the beloved online free-to-play game Team Fortress 2™ was spotted at the Moscow Comic-Con © this weekend. Being from Boston, his Russian isn’t very good, but at least he’s very smooth with his fans, and especially with the ladies.

We asked him to describe his experience, and here’s what he said:

• “There was a surprising amount of beautiful, half-naked ladies, enticing men over to their booths to sell them gaming equipment. But I ain’t complainin’. The Russian women were gorgeous.”
• “I can’t believe they let me in through security with a (real) baseball bat. Really, into a crowded convention hall, with a REAL, 32-inch baseball bat! I felt very powerful. For once in my life.”
• “The cosplays were AMAZING. I’m sure people came from all over the world to show off these stellar costumes.”
• “I got stopped for a lot of pictures. Sometimes it’s a little hard to understand the natives, but they’re all very nice. I enjoyed saying some of my English voice lines, knowing fully well they probably wouldn’t understand me, such as: ‘We both got buckets of chicken… wanna do it?’ or ‘Hey, let me show you CLOWNS how to conga!’ or the classic, ‘BOINK!’” 
• “At most of the anime merch booths, they had these buckets filled with what I can only describe as miniature, hand-held body pillows with all sorts of anime characters on them. The buckets were labelled things like ‘vaifus’ (waifus) or ‘trapi’ (traps), which I thought were hilarious. So I bought myself, like, twelve waifus. They’re so cute.”
• “Also popular at the convention were these face masks with various kawaii designs on them. Makes sense to me—if I could change my face so that it looked like ‘OwO,’ I would.”
• “While standing around and waiting for our group members to finish taking photos, a guy ran into the baseball bat I was carrying over my shoulder. His face was priceless—maybe he was a little intimidated when he realized that I was carrying around a real bat. But then, as he’s composing himself and leaving, the guy WINKS at me. What a mad lad.”
• “On the way home, I started talking to a guy who was working at the Dell Gaming area. We talked all the way back to my metro station about the convention, about gaming, about our countries, about culture… It just goes to show, really, how welcoming and warm the Russian people are. Gotta love ’em.”