Matt Anderson ’21
Note: This article appears in The Spire’s satire section, The Eggplant.
As they arrive on the Hill, many first-years must come to terms with the fact that their romantic notions of the college experience are, in fact, a fantasy. Although James McDavid ‘23 was disappointed that the liquid in the fountain in Memorial Plaza wasn’t made of White Claw, as the tour guide had promised, he wasn’t surprised. “You know, it sounded too good to be true,” was his response. “At least I’ve heard a lot of good things about this Lower place. Since my family and I pay a total of $69,810 for me to come here, I can’t wait to see what they treat us to down there.”
Upon walking through the entrance to Lower and entering into the sacred vestibule towards the food court proper, I saw the color drain from James’ face. “W…w-what is that!?” he managed to sputter as he gestured towards the drink cooler.
“Those are the meal deal drinks,” I replied. “You’ve got your typical sodas, bottled water, and Bubly.” At the mention of the last option, James let out an anguished wail and dropped to the ground, gnashing his teeth.
“How could they do this!” He wailed. “I need my Pamplemouuuuuuuuse!”
I haven’t seen James since that incident. Once the paramedics arrived, they informed me that he would need at least a semester to recover.
This “disappointment” exists among other first-years. Elizabeth Grimaldi ‘23 voiced her discontent: “How am I gonna take boomerangs of me and my friends in Lower now? I have to flex on my friends back home, and I can’t afford for us to look poor with Bubly’s in our hands.” Since James’ breakdown, Elizabeth and other first-years have set up the Society for the Promotion of La Croix (SPLC) that seeks to end the monopoly which Bubly has on static water on this campus.