Eggplant

A Shuttle Frizzles Over

By Mario Micallef ’22

A shuttle bus turned to chaos Monday night as a strange woman tried to take the bus hostage enroute to Boston. Reports say that a woman with glasses and frizzy hair wielded a small green dog at folks waiting in the bus. Jack Elizabeth Muldowney ‘22 was there and described the incident, “I’ve never been more afraid in my hecking life”. According to a low ranking police officer on the scene, the hijacker made a request of $5000 to be wired to an offshore account on the moon. Surprisingly enough, after the original bus driver passed out (who wishes not to be named), the frizzy assailant kept in line with current bus driver protocol when she turned up the radio jams and gave stressful instructions to the students. This is not the first time strangers to Mt. Saint Jim have attempted to take a shuttle bus hostage. December 5th will mark the sixtieth anniversary of the WPI bus incident. In case you are a first year (can’t believe I’m calling them that) and are not aware, the WPI bus incident ensued when a cloaked individual took over a shuttle bus with an automatic air gun and left a WPI satchel behind to evade campus knights (yeah pub safe is a relatively new department). Holy Cross has a dark history with this frizzy assailant. According to the official campus employee registry, a woman matching Monday night’s scare has applied to teach in every department of science since the addition of Smith labs. Her multiple rejections are indeed an obvious motive, but her attempt at taking the students sitting in the bus on a “field trip inside Father Borrough’s body” stumps even our blessed police dog detective Gracie. The woman in question almost drove the bus away if it wasn’t for the complex maze created by the new Artsy center construction sight. One thing is for sure, if this offender strikes again, the student body is not ready. I spoke (shouted) with the guy that constantly pops up in the mirror and asked “Oh wise mimicker, what should the students of Holy Cross do to fight against bus hijacking?” his reply “Take the train”. If you or anyone you know has information on this incident or might have video of this heinous wacko email arnoldperstein99@downwithscholastic.net

Photo courtesy of ranker.com

Categories: Eggplant

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