Tyler Christiansen ’21
7:00 a.m.: Getting up in the morning is the easy part. Get up, brush the teeth, shower, throw on clothes, get out the door. Have class at 8AM., so not really a problem. Got a whole hour.
7:20 a.m.: Walking down to breakfast takes about five minutes, give or take a few. My headphones got tangled, so I had to stop completely, untangle them, choose the song from my playlist, and then continue.
7:26 a.m.: I held the door open for someone for about four seconds, so time is just wasting away at this point. People are inconsiderate sometimes.
7:25 a.m.: At the dining hall, there was an unforeseen delay. The coffee machine wasn’t working and I can’t go to class without the coffee, so I have to wait. The fried egg line also has people in it, so there’s another unforeseen delay. Don’t people realize I have a class to go to?
7:35 a.m.: Finally got the eggs and coffee. I now have to find a table to sit at, but I can’t just sit at any table. I have to find one that’s for the narps, since there would be an uprising if I sat at the athlete table. It’s probably considered treason for some people.
7:40 a.m.: 20 minutes until class. Perfect.
7:41 a.m.: Friend texts me saying the “Toy Story 4” trailer just dropped. Naturally, I stop eating and watch the trailer on repeat.
7:50 a.m.: 10 minutes left. The trailer was good, so my professor can’t really blame me, can she? Should probably start eating again. The coffee is cold now, though. It’s all my friend’s fault for texting me.
7:51 a.m.: The kid next to me was blasting music through his AirPods and I was intently listening to it, trying to figure out what song it was. Just wasting more time. I think I actually focused on the fact that he had Airpods more than anything else.
7:53 a.m.: Still have to finish my eggs. Getting a little cold now. Can’t go to class hungry.
7:57 a.m.: Ate quickly. Leaving the dining hall- people were also leaving, impeding my path to class. Slowing me down even more.
7:58 a.m.: Held the door for someone while leaving dining hall. Precious seconds wasted.
7:59 a.m.: I decided to get another coffee because the coffee at the dining hall was bad. Of course there were people in line. So unexpected. People taking so long. I would be on time for my class if the people weren’t in line. The guy in front of me probably didn’t have to wait for the coffee machine or in the fried egg line so he was probably on time for his class.
8:04 a.m.: Late for class, but once the professor hears the excuses, she’ll totally get it.
8:05 a.m.: She didn’t get it. Locked door. Oh well.
8:10 a.m.: It only took me like four minutes to get back to the dorm to watch a movie.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.