Grace Manning ’21
With the recent surge in numbers of Gen Zs speaking out against climate change and striving to be more environmentally friendly (think reusable coffee cups and metal straws), College of the Holy Cross has instituted a new school-wide policy. This policy, entitled “Leave No Trace,” was created by the student body and will directly affect those suffering most from climate change: skinny, overheated polar bears and emaciated ice chunks floating in the ocean. When we think of climate change, we know we are making a difference by bringing our own glass, overpriced cups to Starbucks before heading to the supermarket to buy an orange, pre-peeled for ultimate ease of eating, that has been wrapped in plastic because, come on, it needs some kind of protection from the elements! We feel good knowing that we have reduced fossil fuels in the atmosphere by hosting an all-vegan birthday party, complete with helium Mylar balloons that are released into the sky and find new homes in such cozy places as the necks of sea turtles or the stomachs of blue whales. We ride bikes or walk past empty parking spots for rechargeable cars (because we’ve never actually seen anyone drive one), grab an iced tea of the NEW PLASTIC BOTTLE! variety because we don’t want to break the bottle while biking furiously, and head home, a plastic bag of apples in our bike baskets. Ah, we’ve been earth-friendly today!
Holy Cross will be the first ever college to start a zero-waste policy which will be implemented in all aspects of school life. In Kimball dining hall, students will be provided with 100% edible dishware, and cutlery as a whole will be discontinued (classes on eating with one’s hands will be taught weekly). There will be a water allocation of one cup per student and the meals will be heavy in unwashed raw vegetables. Each student will leave Kimball meals knowing they have left no trace of their eating on the earth and will soon begin to develop a taste for cardboard.
Similarly, all new buildings being constructed on campus will be made from already existing materials including single-use coffee cups from Cool Beans that have been compressed into blocks, and plastic straws woven together by guilty millennials. The Holy Cross administration is sure this policy will not only succeed, but will make the college an example to the rest of the world that not all climate change enthusiasts are hypocrites.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.