Allyson Noeshghsadufydsiujksgfuhfkdskjcjdhsbvjfgx ’19
Self-proclaimed Spire Dictator
Nearly three years after the ever-successful and highly praised Mulledy/Healy Legacy Committee, which was charged with making a recommendation regarding the naming of Mulledy and Healy Halls, Father Borough$ announced a new exploratory committee––the Mulledy/Healy Sandwich Renaming Committee.
While the formerly named Mulledy Hall has since been renamed Brooks-Mulledy––a carefully crafted and poignant name that would certainly not make Father Brooks roll over in his grave––the Cool Beans breakfast sandwich “The Mulledy” has remained unchanged on the Cool Beans menu boards––that is until now. The Cool Beans dorm-inspired breakfast sandwich selection, which features sandwiches like “The Wheeler” and “The Hanselman,” still bears the “The Mulledy,” a glaring inconsistency in the otherwise flawless execution of the renaming.
“I was just so disturbed by the inconsistency displayed by the College,” said one senior. “Here we were taking a hard stance on Brooks-Mulledy Hall, yet the sandwich name remained. Can you believe the hypocrisy of it all? That would be like if we changed our mascot imagery, and still had Crusaders bearing swords plastered around campus and athletic fields a year later!”
One student praised Borough$ for his establishment of this very important exploratory committee. “One of my biggest complaints with the Borough$ administration is that we simply don’t have enough exploratory committees to talk circles around issues for months until the matter blows over all together, so I’m really glad he’s starting to take this issue seriously.”
Regardless of the decision reached by the committee, Borough$ assures that he will continue a long-held tradition of ignoring committee suggestions and will ultimately slap a hyphen on the sandwich name.
Students can expect to find the Borough$-Mulledy sandwich in Cool Beans next week––a commemorative sandwich honoring the legacies of two of the College’s finest presidents. This is one sandwich that certainly won’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth! (caveat emptor: the sandwich will no longer feature bacon as advertised, as funding for premium food items has been redirected to cover Luth Athletic Complex debt).
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.