Literal Human Garbage
An Eggplant special investigation has revealed that the SGA co-presidents Donnie Stephens and Maggie Scanlon are being held hostage by nefarious forces and their weekly update videos are in fact desperate pleas for help. While the identity of hostage takers are still unknown, upon close inspection of the videos, it’s clear that Holy Cross’ leaders of the student body are in very dire straits.
The Eggplant’s dedicated team of code-breakers have discerned that in the videos, Stephens and Scanlon have been communicating messages of distress via blinking in Morse code. An analysis of Stephens’ blinks show that he is blinking “HELP US” repeatedly throughout the video. Scanlon’s blinks were harder to determine, but they seem to be along the lines of “Oh my god, you know, great hostage-takers, love them to death, but someone seriously has to get us out of here. This is unbearable, I can’t take this. Help. Oh my god please help.”
Scanlon blinked a lot.
Though neither Scanlon or Stephens’ blinks divulged the location of where they were being held, or who is holding them, the Eggplant put its crack team of video analysts on the case. They came away with the following conclusions: It’s clear from the video that the two co-presidents are being held in a well-lit room that appears to be on Holy Cross’ campus. Our analysts think it’s likely they are being held somewhere in Hogan. Then, the Eggplant team conducted an in-depth audio analysis of the video. They caught the faintest strands of traditional Gregorian chant music. That means there can only be one culprit: the Fenwick Review.
It has been rumored that the Fenwick Review had become increasingly agitated over the lack of action by the SGA in finding funding for a new monastery. According to data gleaned by the Eggplant’s computer hackers, internal communications by the Fenwick Review show that they have increasingly discussed taking action in recent weeks, and there are multiple emails inquiring as to how they should best take care of their “guests.”
Based off this information, the Eggplant has contacted Holy Cross’ resident Jesuit Commando Squad. When reached for comment, the leader of the squad, code name Arrupe Wolf Alpha, said, “Scanlon and Stephens are in good hands now. No way we’re letting our paradise get overrun by some Benedictine bastards.”