Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
Former child
Beloved political science Professor Pat Ernity made his grand return from family leave this week. But according to students, he’s far from business as usual. Office hours attendee Kate Hids claims that instead of rounding her 73 to a 95, Prof Ernity yapped about his new baby for 30 minutes. “I couldn’t get a word in! He was all, ‘he’s growing so fast, he sleeps so well, blah blah blah.’ If I wanted to hear about some random kid, I’d watch ‘Toddlers and Tiaras.’” Colleagues have noticed a change as well. Professor Madison Washington reports that the political stickers on Professor Ernity’s door like “Believe Women,” “Justice for Contingents,” and “OJ Did It” have been covered up by photos of the aforementioned stupid baby. Instead of Bobby Kennedy (the first one) campaign posters and MLK quotes, the office walls were plastered with pictures of the same ugly baby from the door. Professor Washington also says that faculty meetings have doubled in length since Professor Ernity has discovered how to show baby photos on the projector. “There are only so many times I can pretend to care,” says Professor Washington. According to Professor Ernity’s advisee George J. H. W. Bush, thesis meetings aren’t going any smoother. “All he talks about is this stupid baby. He’s acting like he’s the one that gave birth. What is he, a seahorse?”
Students from Professor Ernity’s ‘Politics and the Simpsons’ seminar attempted an intervention after their midterm was just trivia about the lame baby. But no amount of “we’re here because we care about you” and “the first step is admitting you have a problem” could help him. Professor Ernity claimed his class was “jealous” of his “beautiful perfect angel baby.” Political science department chair Professor Carter Nixon was forced to step in, as the students’ essays “Release the hounds: police brutality and Montgomery Burns” were held hostage when the loser baby had the sniffles. “We as a department want to support our colleagues as they become parents,” Professor Nixon says. “But he’s crossed the line by involving his personal life in his teaching. If the students know he has a life outside work, they may start to think he has opinions too. Opinions lead to political beliefs, and the next thing you know, they’re speculating on who he votes for. We work very hard to keep politics out of the department, you know.” Professor Nixon could not comment on Professor Ernity’s ungraded papers, as he too hasn’t graded an assignment since September. In the words of Kate Hids, “CEFs bouta go crazy.” Go Cross go!
Copy Edited by Anjali O’Brien ’11/10/26’30
Featured image courtesy of Charlotte MacQuattie ’28
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