Cooper Colby ‘29
Hero
Last Thursday, a suave student fainted on the Kimball steps after realizing that his double-layered almond mint blue raspberry ice cream sundae contained gluten. However, it was merely a coincidence that his digestive system cannot stand gluten, for this tragic mishap began when a Kimball steak knife had brutally pierced his left lung for reasons we cannot legally disclose. While everyone around him gasped, a courageous pre-med student stood up and fixed everything.
“It’s simple, really,” explained future doctor Geoff, a junior classics major. “After taking Bio 161, everything’s a breeze.”
Like most medical emergencies, it was no big deal. Geoff quickly sketched the Krebs cycle from memory to assess the patient, then slipped the bloodied drama queen a placebo pill. The patient’s breathing evened out, according to our source, a first-year student who almost considered taking off his headphones to fully witness this treacherous feat. After an ambulance arrived, the paramedics could hardly hide their impressed faces.
“I gave the victim mouth-to-mouth just in case,” admitted a paramedic on scene, “but we’re no match for these new-age pre-med students. I tried to stem the bleeding, but Geoff showed me the answer key to his recent Anatomy test, which proved me wrong.”
The infamous Kimball victim remains at UMass Memorial Health and will experience a prognosis negativ—I mean—perfectly normal recovery!
Copy Edited by Anjali O’Brien ’30
Featured image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and Dreamstime
Featured image edited by Emily Costello ’27
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