James Condon ’30
Mike Johnson Whisperer
In a move of magnanimity and grace, the College has announced that any and all Republicans who participated in the 2026 elections will be eligible to receive support. In an email sent to Republicans, the college stated: “We understand that this time may be hard for you, especially given the time and effort you spent in working towards winning over the past two years. We want you to know that we are here for you and that one bad midterm doesn’t define who you are.”
Immediately, college resources were put to use. We saw Trump walk into the writing workshop to “find words other than expletives and insults of opponents to persuade voters.” Vivek Ramaswamy also tried to access the writers’ workshop for a new ad to finally apologize for his last TV commercial but apparently confused it with the Eggplant’s office hours.
On the other hand, Mike Rogers was seen to enter the CAPS office. As we take our journalistic duty seriously we would never speculate about the subject of a counseling session. However, staffers revealed that he “feels like his manhood has been sucked out of him with every pushup that El-Sayed does,” and that “being a senator was his whole thing and he can’t have him be both more ripped and successful than him.” As a result, Mike Rogers has moved into Loyola Hall to continue treatment and has become a regular at Cafe Babel.
Mike Minogue also made an appearance in caps. Reportedly, as he was walking into Hogan he cried out “I just wanted to have flavored Zyns. Is that too much to ask!” The next day he was seen driving down to Providence red and teary eyed.
JD Vance also arrived on campus. Heading to the ASLR to gain some coaching on how to do better on his finals after the midterm. “Y’know I was really excited. They gave me all this stuff, gave me this little planning sheet, helped me mark up all my calendars for the primaries. I think I’ve got a good shot in 2028. A look at Vance’s filled “5 steps to success” sheet included: 1. Don’t talk about the economy 2. Don’t talk about immigration 3. Don’t talk about AI 4. Don’t talk about Iran 5. Win!
Some students have been concerned about the use of college resources to support partisan campaigns. Co-chair of the College Democrats Finnigan Christmas said, “I just don’t think it’s the college’s place to consult on campaign strategies.” In response, the College put out a statement saying, “The College of the Holy Cross is here to support anyone who did poorly on their midterms” and that “All funding for this program came from an anonymous beneficiary with a brief statement saying ‘for Clarence.’” On an unrelated note, said anybody benefactor currently has a pending case in the Supreme Court—”I’m sure it’s all above board.”
Copy Edited by Anjali O’Brien ’30
Featured image courtesy of AOL.com
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