Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
Serenade Survivor
COLLEGE STREET— The Eggplant has confirmed reports of a hostage situation at an off-campus house Saturday night. Witnesses claim all was well until 11:30pm, when a man in a Jeff Buckley shirt picked up a guitar whilst attempting to talk to a woman. The woman, Delilah Whatsitlikeinnewyorkcity, tried to deescalate the situation by telling him she’d never seen The Godfather, in the hopes he would take the time to explain it to her. But her words fell on tone deaf ears as the man began to strum the opening chords of Wonderwall. Delilah’s friends attempted to free her, but were blocked as a wall of the tallest and least spatially aware men on Earth shuffled between them. As Delilah was about to tell the man she had to find her friends and escape, he began to sing “in a way that can only be described as a cross between Bob Dylan and Yoko Ono,” according to witnesses. One onlooker claimed his performance was “Moving… moving people out the door.” Poor Delilah was trapped in this surprise serenade for far longer than the actual length of the song, as the man kept screwing up the chords and trying again.
When he finally finished and received a relieved round of applause, he immediately began “Imagine.” As Delilah recalls, “That night, John Lennon was killed a second time. There may be no heaven, but there is a hell. And it’s on College Street.” The man continued to sing at her until she got the attention of her buddy, Holly, on aux. Recognizing the severity of the situation, Holly employed the kryptonite of every self-proclaimed “indie” man with an acoustic guitar: music made by a woman. The man instantly recoiled as the opening of “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga began to play, and his singing was soon drowned out. He quickly fled the scene in his rather tame Chevy Impala, but not before rambling on about Lady Gaga’s “inferior lyricism” and “manufactured consumerist bastardization of counter-cultural punk anti-establishmentarianism.” This suspect is still at large, and authorities urge students to be cautious around any men wearing baggy jeans and wired headphones playing a song by “kind of an indie band, you’ve probably never heard of them, they’re called Radiohead.” Public Safety also has reason to believe the man may be disguising himself as a feminist. More on this story as it develops. Go Cross go.
Copy edited by Sarah D’Alessandro ‘29 on 11/3/26
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