Tim Elder ‘28
Big Dua Lipa Guy
It’s that time of year when spooky stories are told and ancient secrets are revealed from the beyond. This past week a local English major was soaring through the halls of Fenwick and came across the very dashing Edgar Allen Poe doll. Naturally, the student went and inspected to make sure the doll’s eyes had no soul behind them, much like the real Poe himself. When the student finally got up close and personal with the doll, he heard a murmur. The student was obviously then knocked back in astonishment. The doll then murmured again, and this time the student could actually comprehend the words “I know.” The student then began to sweat right through his pants, thinking the haunted doll knew his very personal secrets. The student responded to the doll by saying, “What do you know, I swear it was a one time thing and I was just experimenting.” The doll then naturally rolled its eyes, a grotesque sight, even during this spooky season.
Edgar then said “No you dimwit I know who killed Jimmy Hoffa and now you must know as well. I have to tell someone.” The student being the age where they can still be referred to as a student, then obviously replied by saying, “Who the hell is Jimmy Hoffa and why would I care who killed him?” Edgar the doll then groaned in annoyance. The doll then proposed, “Haven’t you ever seen the Irishman? It is a smash hit film from Netflix.” The student then said, “I’ve seen Happy Gilmore 2. Does that help?”
Edgar the doll then said outloud to the world, “I’ve seen many of my relatives die from tuberculosis, and this is the first time that I wish I was one of them.” A moment of silence went by as Edgar meticulously thought about his next move. He closed his eyes and thought about how he could communicate the importance of this information. With his eyes closed, he then heard the sound of Dua Lipa coming from the students phone.
“What in god’s name are you doing?” Poe inquired.
“Sorry, I was just getting a quick scroll in during your weird moment of silence there,” the student replied.
After this Edgar was so enraged he returned back to his stagnant statue form. Just before doing so, however, he muttered “ninth student this week.” Perhaps this is the sole reason that Jimmy Hoffa remains ambiguous.
Copy edited by Annamaria DeCamp ’27
Featured image courtesy of Holy Cross Magazine
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