Zach Verdun ‘27
Currently Watching Chicken Little
It finally happened. After years of students writing countless articles, one student has finally caught national attention. From news articles about federal officials to many, and I mean many, articles from the eggplant satirizing Kimball, Oliver Sutton has made it to the big leagues. However, there seems to be one gigantic glaring issue with this breakthrough: Oliver has never actually written for the school newspaper.
For context, last week, fellow student Holly Schiit decided to write a masterful, glowing, and deeply passionate piece about how music impacts our daily lives. Students were talking about how much they connected to the piece and teachers were encouraging her to submit her article to various, national-level writing competitions. Regardless, I bet you are wondering how this relates to Oliver Sutton making it big. See, Oliver is a web editor for The Spire, meaning he helps format articles for the online edition of the newspaper. For this week’s newspaper, he was tasked with uploading and formatting the features section in which Ms. Schitt’s article was placed.
Before further explaining what happened, it is first important to distinguish the difference between Holly and Oliver. Holly is an extremely hardworking individual, spending hours on assignments, tutoring, and even spending time after school volunteering. Oliver is the complete opposite. Oliver might be the laziest and worst person on campus. He skips every class beside the final, avoids the shower, and has only eaten through ordering DoorDash in which he makes his roommates pick up for him. His roommates have also described him as smelling “like a skunk who got sprayed on by another skunk ” and looking like “if Abby from “Chicken Little” had a baby with Vector from “Despicable Me.” The only reason he joined The Spire in the first place was because they had a pizza night a few weeks ago. He is notably extremely bad at his job, often mixing up students’ articles and adding images that, for a lack of better words, would NOT be appreciated by Vincent Rougeau.
This leads us back to the topic at hand. In formatting Holly’s article he accidentally, or maybe even purposefully, put his name on her article. While at first he faced scrutiny from students and teachers around campus, what happened next could only be described as the second coming of Key & Peele’s “High on Potenuse” sketch. News articles, commercial deals, a job after college, and popularity followed Oliver at the release of his article. The media rushed to what they thought was his great idea, claiming him as a modern poet. Even DJ Khaled commented, saying, “Life is Roblox, and Oliver just understands that on a deeper level.”
As for Holly, she has reportedly disappeared from campus entirely. Her whereabouts remain unknown, but one source claimed that she was last seen fighting off reporters who thought she was Oliver’s publicist.
Image Courtesy of Tenor
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