Joachim Dalloran ‘30
Rare Survivor
WORCESTER, MA—While a tumultuous and damaging Nor’easter storm wreaked havoc across New England, that wasn’t the only emergency this past weekend. New cases of the infamous “Holy Cough” virus have plagued its way through campus, with no plans to dwindle.
According to the Biology Department, a skyrocketing 2,356 appointments with Health Services were booked (that’s a new school record!). 1,843 students were diagnosed (also a school record), of whom a total of 243 students across all grade levels were deemed severely ill (highest number since the pandemic! Keep up the great work, everyone!)
With the rise in cases on a student-to-student basis, the College has ordered a strict mandatory quarantine policy effective immediately. School officials highly recommend relocating all infected people to the dungeons of Kimball Hall, where a continued monitoring process will take place. Whilst the majority of campus has been knocked out by the flu, only a few remained on campus completely unharmed. The small 8% of the student body who remained immune to the virus AND experienced no symptoms (especially myself btw) are now enjoying the luxuries of this beautiful small liberal arts college in the heart of the great state of Massachusetts.
Many students reported an increase in happiness in a general poll conducted by some stupid research poll. Statistical data shows that waiting times have significantly dropped across all campus facilities. From Cool Beans to the Jo, and ripoff Starbucks, satisfaction levels have increased by 19% (which is also a school record).
As for the remaining 8% of us elite, highly superior survivors, life on the Hill has never been more luxurious. Jogging paths are clear, the Hart Center gym is completely devoid of intimidating athletes, and the line at Croads is short enough that you can actually contemplate your life choices before selecting a dining option. Rumors that the immune population is planning to declare Loyola Hall an independent sovereign state remain unconfirmed, though we have already begun drafting a constitution that outlaws 8:00 AM classes entirely.
Image courtesy of Getty Images
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