Tim Elder ‘28
Supervillain Scholar
As the semester has progressed, students have become more and more intolerant of the aching levels of heat in Dinand Library. The school has seemingly added two white tubes of air conditioning, but these are more of an eyesore than a heat reliever.
Due to the severe outcry, the very stagnant offices of Holy Cross have decided to actually make a move. Instead of just renovating and adding air conditioning, they called on Mr. Freeze. Freeze, who is best known for dueling against Batman, was in need of fulfilling community service hours. Since Freeze coming to aid the students would be a free act of service, Holy Cross signed him on right away.
The moment Mr. Freeze stepped into the library, he immediately stepped out. When asked about his actions, Freeze stated, “That sauna chamber is worse than anything I’ve ever inflicted on Gotham City. Guess I have to go from villain to hero overnight.”
After muscling up the courage and using his strongest sub-zero Cryo-Suit, Mr. Freeze still couldn’t understand how the students were able to study in such warm conditions. Mr. Freeze naturally contacted the Riddler about this dilemma, but sadly, not even he could crack the riddle that is the heat of Dinand.
Much like his work in the horrible motion picture, Batman Vs Robin, Freeze tried enacting a flash freeze over Dinand. Unfortunately for Freeze, as he went to chill Dinand, this was met with a “shhh” from nearby students. A student even contacted the noise complaint hotline to complain about Mr. Freeze. In all this turmoil, Mr. Freeze threw his iced coffee from Cool Beans. As a result of this, the ice in his coffee turned down the temperature by 0.1 degrees Fahrenheit. Given that the college’s standards for success are apparently exceptionally high when it comes to outside help, as evidenced by Flo Rida putting on a concert three hours late, only for the college to celebrate it as a success, it’s no surprise that they saw Freeze’s work and met him with a congratulatory handshake.
The college has now reported that because of Freeze’s success, they have reached out to various Batman villains for their services. The Riddler will be hired as a peer tutor and relationship counselor for students. When asked why they would hire such a puzzling figure for someone who should provide clear answers, the college responded by saying, “It’s certainly a riddle that our students will have to solve.” It seems the practice of the College trying to make things easier for students, but in doing so, making things more complicated, is frozen in place, and not even Dinand can melt that one. Perhaps the college’s next move is that they will hire the Joker to be the bookkeeper.
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