Cooper Colby
Writer
Alvin DiCation, a twenty-year-old sophomore at Holy Cross, came to us late last night with a slippery piece of spinach caught between his front teeth and a brutal summary of his first four weeks of the semester.
“My name is just Al, but the muffins here read my name as ‘AI.’ Like genuinely how are we this cooked?” sighs DiCation.
Our friend Al is taking Psych-Stats with Professor Screwman Harbinger, and let’s say Al is the one who gets screwed over this time. Al’s latest Statistics essay, analyzing the probability of your situationship texting you back, was given a zero with a note reading, “See me after class,” in bloody crimson ink.
“I know what’s cooking,” assures Professor Harbinger, who is known to pick his nose during interviews and smear the booger across his thick beard. “He accidentally left the author as ‘AI,’ use of which is most forbidden in my class.”
Upon examining the offending word’s serifs in detail, the English department realized the author read ‘Al,’ whose name was misconstrued as ‘AI.’ I questioned Al further: “Why not just write ‘Alvin’ or include your last name?” As usual, Al shot back an iron-clad retort.
“Well, um. Like, I can’t be called ‘Alvin’ because people will think I’m that hot hunk Alvin the Chipmunk from TV,” explains Al sagely. “People genuinely think my last name is ‘DiCaprio.’ That’s why my art teacher calls me ‘Mona Lisa.’ I cry in the Prior attic after every class. There are genuinely scorpions up there….”
Shockingly, most of Al’s Cool Beans orders have been viciously discarded. We found the receipts shredded in dumpsters. We meticulously pieced them back together, using snail secretion as glue, until the truth smacked us like a raging bull. The receipt makes it look like ‘AI’ ordered an iced matcha, but we all know who that really was. Cindy “Soul-Muncher” Flame, a student employee, announced that anyone who tries to use bots to order food will regrettably “feel a swift stroke of taekwondo, and that’s a promise.”
Personally, I think AI is a cool nickname. However, this maladroit misunderstanding leads us down a dark path, leaving no room for joy and laughter. You can fill the void that looms above our hats and wigs by remembering: it’s not just accuracy, it’s progress. His name is Al.
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