James Condon ‘30
Vineyard Vines Enthusiast
Vineyard Vines enthusiasts from Nantucket to Long Island weep as 22-year-old midfielder Chad McPatrick announces his candidacy to the priesthood, rupturing the once indestructible Lacrosse Finance segue pipeline.
Switching the quarter zip for a cassock was not a quick decision for Chad, coming after “a lotta thinking, sacking, and Celsius with the boys.”
His discernment began during a match, “I was checking this kid, and then BOOM! absolutely slid and ate dirt. Then I have this gnarly pain and BOOM! ACL tear.”
Chad was redshirted for the season, spending most of his time at Lax House. “I was bored out of my mind. Y’know my boys out there without the Big C. But then I found some book with a cross in Brody’s drawer and gave it a read.”
Chad immediately found a connection with Christ’s ability to “vibe with his boys” and “find niche food spots.” “It was no brainer,” he said. “I gotta join the squad.”
The Jesuits seemed as thrilled with Chad’s decision as he was. “A vocation to the priesthood is always a hard one to sell to young men today,” as one put it. “We expected we would have to show Chad the Jacuzzi and 10 burner grill, but once he asked how much dues were, we knew we got him.”
Of course, it hasn’t been all smooth sailing for Chad, who said some of the vows are “toughies.” “Like Charity, that’s lock. Chastity is a little rocky, but I think I can figure that one out. Poverty? That’s hard. Like I got this new stick and Madden for the PS5. (The priests later reassured him they have Madden at the residence.) Obedience to the Pope? It’s gonna matter. If it’s a training camp or something, we’re chilling. But if the Buffalo Bandits call, somebody’s gotta tell Leo.”
Chad’s friends were nothing but supportive about the news. “When he dropped it,” Brad explains, “We were first like ‘Yo, What about JP. Morgan?!?’ but he was all like ‘Brodies, this is like escaping the Matrix’ and we were all ‘You’re lowkey right.’” In Chad’s footsteps, Brad said he would’ve joined but “apparently there’s this whole discerning thing and like we gotta game Friday so … we’ll feel it out idk yet.”
As for Chad, the Vatican has given him immediate eligibility in the 2026 Inter-Order Lacrosse Cup, with the Prior General of The Jesuits saying, “Do we have to remind him that the Spiritual Exercises don’t mean hitting the gym? Yeah. But look, those Jacuzzis don’t buy themselves, and someone’s gotta run the investment portfolio.”
Copy edited by Molly Croft ‘29
Featured image courtesy of Adobe Stock
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