James Condon ’30
Guest Writer
In an open letter to the Department of Defense, College of the Holy Cross administrators beseech Pete Hegseth to expand his investigation of higher education to the College, which they describe as “definitely being a national security threat.”
The Pentagon has so far demanded that 30 colleges, including Harvard, MIT, and Johns Hopkins, to audit and terminate any research connections with foreign actors and institutions in an attempt to “ensure accountability across the board.” While Holy Cross was one of the other 2570 to 2770 four-year colleges and universities in the United States not to receive this instruction, administrators on Mount St. James say they definitely should.
“Like our fellow peer institutions on the Times list of top 50”, the letter opens, “we desperately fear the potential threat our hangry teenagers and young adults who struggle to get through a doctors appointment alone pose to the continuity of the sovereignty of The United States and our way of life as we know it.”
The next 37 pages of the letter itemized the multitude of reasons including “Teaching our students Latin, what if they become sleeper agents for the Roman Empire?” as well as “Students holding the door for one another (too Canadian).” and “Pre-Med English majors, like when brave service members are wounded, do you want your doctor to complain that his classmates just ‘didn’t’ get the connection between “Pride and Prejudice” and “The Matrix?” By the time he finishes, they’ll be dead!”
However, a high ranking source, who spoke with us under the guarantee of anonymity, claimed there were ulterior motives. “Now of course with the prestige of an institution like Holy Cross we were already considering ‘throwing our hat into the ring’ with this whole investigation, but really
the nail in the coffin was when we found out that WPI made the list.” From that point he spoke on how the meeting devolved, with administrators exclaiming “How do they lump in them with Hopkins and Emory? We are the Emory of Worcester and everyone knows it! How can WPI pose a threat? They can’t even get half their student body to touch grass on a Saturday.”
In response to Holy Cross’ letter, the DoD put out a statement saying, “The College of the Holy Cross has played a significant role in our nation’s military history, producing the first man of African descent to command a federal vessel, as well as the first Naval Chaplain to receive the Medal of Honor. While we appreciate the College’s vigilance, we don’t find ‘Having Chicken Parm Night’ as a threat to national security. As a result we have returned their letter, with $5 in it to repay them for stamps, and remain confident in their ability to produce future Marines and Sailors.
Copy edited by Joshua Rosenberg
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