Madison Payne
Guest Writer
In an act of divine intervention, Holy Cross sent out a campus-wide email late Sunday night informing students that all Monday classes would be cancelled due to what administrators are calling a “mass possession caused by the Sunday Scaries.”
According to the announcement, hundreds of students were seen displaying signs of severe existential despair while scrolling through their Google Calendars and whispering to themselves, “I can’t take another week.”
According to official reports, multiple students attempting to study in Dinand Library simultaneously stood up, chanting “does anyone remember what happiness feels like,” and “maybe I’ll just drop out.”
A visibly shaken Public Safety officer was quoted as saying, “I saw a student throw his computer against the wall while muttering about how participation grades aren’t real.”
Students began to flood Health Services, who determined that this particularly aggressive strain of the Sunday Scaries spreads most rapidly through exposure to ungraded Canvas assignments and 8 a.m. lectures. Common symptoms have been identified as impending-doom playlists, hallucinations of check-in quizzes, and spontaneous naps.
The Chaplain’s Office acted quickly, sprinkling holy water in Hogan and stating that “while the pre-week anxiety demons are strong, our students’ commitment to cura personalis is stronger.”
An emergency mass has been scheduled for noon on Monday, and exorcists have officially joined the Counseling Center staff.
Featured image courtesy of UC Berkeley Law School
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