Hannah Mangiacotti ’29
Staff Writer
In light of the recently confirmed relationship between Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry, we at The Eggplant have taken the liberty to officially appoint an in-house astrologer and spiritual expert to provide entirely vague clarity and insight into the pair.
The expert has chosen to remain anonymous but assured that their spiritual and astrological credentials are sound: “I can’t really explain it, but, y’know, I have a birthday, I have a sign, I just feel a connection to all people of all other signs.”
When we asked about the likelihood of a long-term partnership between the two, our expert responded: “Their energy is there. There is all this blood rushing through them, together, but also as a pair. They breathe together, too. They breathe really deeply together but not all the time. Y’know when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone as you walk up the stairs? And you need to do that shallow breath out through the nose and then pretend to cough to get more air in sorta thing? That kinda breathing happens for them too.”
Noted.
When we asked more about their different backgrounds, our expert offered the following insight:
“Well, Katy Perry is a California girl. And one thing about them is they can travel the world but nothing comes close to the golden coast. Not even Canada. And Katy, being a Scorpio, just wants to own the night like it’s the Fourth of July. She’s tired of feeling like a plastic bag — drifting through the wind, wanting to start again. But that’s just a random vibe I get. These premonitions come from within, this place I can’t really name.”
Here at The Eggplant, we always ask the hard questions, so, of course, we pressed for any juicy information on the exact dynamic between the two:
“Ok, ok, I’m having a thought here. Totally just riffing, letting the words say what they want to say. I get the sense their relationship is a little hot n’ cold. It’s yes, then it’s no. It’s in, then it’s out. It’s up, but then, it’s down. It’s almost like they change their mind like a girl changes clothes.”
Our expert then paused thoughtfully before adding; “I’d love to explain more, but my mom’s here to pick me up, and if I miss my ride, I’ll be late for my driver’s ed class — we’re learning parallel parking today. So, I’m out.”
Copy edited by Molly Croft ’29
Featured image courtesy of People.com
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