Finn Ryan ‘29
In the Name of the Rose
That’s right, the very thing that was either your biggest appeal or biggest drawback of attending Holy Cross will soon be coming to the College. Now, I’m sure a lot of you have some very specific imagery in your mind right now. Imbeciles diving through tables. Greek letters you haven’t seen since AP Physics. John Belushi in a sweater that reads ‘COLLEGE’. None of that will be the case for Holy Cross, however. The school plans to keep with Jesuit traditions- instead of kappa sigma, alpha phi, and beta beta beta, students will have to choose between Benedictine, Francisan, and Dominican brotherhoods. Let’s learn a little bit about each new frat:
Benedictine
Benefits: Cool robe, learn how to chant
Pledge requirement: Scribing the Bible onto 11,000 illuminated manuscripts
Franciscan
Benefits: Dope new haircut, learn to paint with egg tempera
Pledge requirement: 25 year vow of silence
Dominican
Benefits: Spiritual enlightenment, freedom from carnal desires
Pledge requirement: Castration
Clearly, each fraternity has much to offer. And, don’t worry, students won’t have to worry about chapter dues either. The school has announced that the total relinquishment of all worldly possessions is all that’s required to be an ongoing brother. Housing will also not be an issue; the Office of Housing reported that two new stone monasteries will be constructed on campus before the 26-27 school year. These facilities will not have electricity, air conditioning, running water, indoor plumbing, or any other amenities that other dormitories have access to. When reached for comment, an anonymous student remarked, “well, it can’t be much worse than living in Brooks *rimshot*”
Featured Image courtesy of Presbyterian College
Copy Edited by Sophia Mariani ’26
Leave a Reply