The Spire

Amsden Klinghard ’29

Staff Writer

The Eggplant Online has received many wonderful comments from its thoughtful readers. And as far as I know, none of them have gotten a personal response by Eggplant Staff!  I’d like to respond to one comment in particular:

This commenter was likely interrupted from his Discord moderation duties by the sounds of laughter and amusement. Determined to get to the source of this nonsense, the commenter found the nearest Holy Cross student, snatched the latest edition of The Spire out of her hands, and flipped to The Eggplant. To his disgust, he gazed upon a flagrant violation of journalistic integrity: a story that has nothing to do with real issues! 

Charlotte MacQuattie, my intrepid colleague at The Eggplant, had written about the O’Neil pigeon revolt, where lab birds in Holy Cross’ science building supposedly overthrew their human captors. Our commenter immediately noticed a number of factual errors. Not only were there no witnesses to this avian escapade, but the article heavily implies that pigeons can understand English! The article seemed to rely on puns, which obviously have no place in the world of serious reporting. The Eggplant has undermined its credibility once again! 

Doing his duty to alert the online public about The Eggplant’s deteriorating journalistic integrity, this commenter shook the Dorito crumbs out of his beard and typed his fiery rebuke. Turning on CNN to hear about the most recent plane crash seemed to calm him down, but The Eggplant’s audacity to publish such a nonsensical story continued to boil the blood of this commenting Gustave Courbet.

After careful, painstaking investigation, The Eggplant team was shocked to discover that the comment was right: the pigeon overthrow didn’t really happen. How could this one have slipped past us! And more importantly, what are these frivolous, “funny” articles doing to represent the political and economic state of the world?

We at The Eggplant have decided to accept constructive criticism and eliminate all forms of humor or enjoyment from our section until all the problems of the world have been solved conclusively. Monkey business will not be tolerated. 

We’ve created a new slate of serious articles strictly dedicated to the real issues, set to be released September 31st, 2025:

• World Hunger: The Solution
• A Brief History of Politics, Volume 1 of 7,835
• New Study Shows That Your Political Party is Right, Other Side Wrong
• The Sun to Expand into Red Giant; Destroy Earth in Fiery Explosion
• The Economy

Hopefully, these changes will turn The Eggplant back into a respectable authority on the real issues, and regain our commenter’s trust. I personally have done nothing but watch cable news and read The New York Times for the past week, so that I don’t miss any developments on the political-economic state of the world. I haven’t slept in days, my friends have stopped talking to me, and I think I’m hallucinating electoral maps. I sure hope all those issues get solved soon so I can go back to writing funny articles. 

Copy Edited by Charlotte Collins ’26

Featured image courtesy of Google Images