Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
Still Lost in O’Neil (Help)
After taking a wrong turn in O’Neil and ending up in what can only be described as The Backrooms™, I stumbled upon the psychology and neuroscience departments’ very own Area 51: the pigeon lab. I had always heard tales of this mystical place, yet never seemed to meet the application date to work in the lab. Now was my chance. Perhaps I could sneak in through the vents and drop right in, or maybe disguise myself as a visiting professor and get through the advanced security system undetected. I would have to plan thoroughly to break in at just the right time — wait, nevermind, the door is propped open.
Once in the lab, I was shocked by my discovery. I knew that the study intended to understand how birds learn with “video games for birds,” as my psych professor explained. But oh how the lab had strayed. After an intense summer of Candy Crush, Subway Surfers, and Clash Royale, the pigeons were very angry birds. Craving a change in the pecking order, the pigeons overthrew their human captors and took charge of the lab.
I introduced myself to these new avian leaders in hopes they could direct me back to Haberlin. Creatively, the lab assistants had named them all Bertie. A little Bertie told me they’d been planning their coo coup after being taken under the wing of lab assistant Robin Phoenix ‘26.
“I don’t know how it happened,” says Robin. “I was just feeding them as usual while listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd and I guess they got ideas when Free Bird came on.” Another Bertie shared his insights, “Coo coo coo coo, coo coo coo coo. Coo, coo coo coo coo coo. Coo coo coo? Coo coo!” I have no idea what any of it meant but he seemed really passionate about the takeover. Word of the revolt has spread through the bird community quickly and the pigeons have inspired protest from birds across campus. The birds in the Fenwick ivy have started swooping on tour groups and managed to take at least two tour guides. In lighter news, I now have a single! Fly high, roomie.
In an email titled “THE BIRDS!!” President Rougeau addressed the crisis. “We would like to remind our students that because being kidnapped by birds is not a personal illness or family emergency, the Class Deans will not be excusing any absences caused by abduction.” Personally, I think all of this was fowlplay foulplay by BC. We will not let the Eagles win. Go Cross go!
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
Copy edited by Caroline Kramer ’26
Leave a Reply