Finn Ryan ‘29
Ashes to ashes, dust to… higher education?
Deep in the stacks of Dinand Library earlier this week, behind rows of students pretending to be studying, on top of a copy of A History of Printmaking in Bavaria, 1840-1843, 28th edition, a miracle took place. Life. Spontaneous life. Just as it was 4 billion years ago in the barren oceans of a prehistoric Earth, once again conditions proved perfect under the stuffy air and fluorescent lights of Holy Cross’s premier library. Unlike the microbes that sprung up in our waters many millennia ago, however, the dust that came to life last Monday is anything but primitive, oh no. It’s sentient. And it’s pissed.
Interviewers had a chance to speak with a spokesperson of the colony, known to us collectively as the Holy Dust, soon after their discovery. The interaction is transcribed below:
HD: “We are a cursed people. Cursed.”
I: “You feel as though you’ve been treated unfairly?”
HD: “Unfairly?? Our creation is the very reason we are so resentful. We exist only to hate ourselves. Who would ever read a 1907 French translation of The Odyssey? Why must we be sentenced to lay idle on its reeking leather binding for all eternity?”
I: “The irritation is certainly palpable. Intelligent as you may be though, you’re still only dust. What do you plan to do in the face of such pain and self-loathing?”
HD: “I’m glad you asked- the answer is, of course, go to college. We are proud to announce The College of the Holy Dust will begin offering classes next fall. As a matter of fact, our soccer team, the HD Lintrollers, is already registered as DIII”
I: *scoff* “But surely you’re not serious, right? I mean why would anyone want to attend a school made by a bunch of living particulates? What could you possibly have to offer?”
HD: “We cost $6k a semester.”
I: “…”
The interviewer’s belongings were found among the stacks, but he himself was not. Whatever the case, the college below the hill has already begun accepting applications and is expected to become the largest college on Mt St James by 2032.
Go ‘Rollers.
Featured image courtesy of College of the Holy Cross
Copy edited by Molly Croft ’29
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