Kathryn Pellicotte ’29
They hate the color blue and everything it stands for. Why? Because it’s not purple.
Let me tell you this tale:
The year was 1843, and the sparkling purple ribbon of the College of the Holy Cross had just been cut, establishing an institution of academic excellence, perpetually dry grilled chicken, and incredibly shiny blue recycling bins. It was a glorious day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the stairs were glistening with excitement as they scoped out their new victims.
Fergus Fizzywig, an overconfident freshman who was flying high with his latest invention (Fizz), was absolutely sure he belonged on the Hill. He had flip flops, every kind of Holy Cross polo, and a purple hat that he wore backwards when he wanted to dress up. He was believed to be THAT guy, but deep down he was harboring a horrible secret. On the very grounds on which we walk today, Fergus was planning a top secret, undercover, and totally Mission: Impossible-style mission to change the school colors from PURPLE to BLUE!
It was scandalous beyond reason, but Fergy was confident. His master plan, which was inscribed on a Kimball napkin, has been passed down discreetly and can now be presented in this esteemed newspaper:
THE Master Plan — by BigFerg Fizz
- Buy markers (preferably scented ones)
- COLOR ALL PURPLE BLUE!!!
- Badass vigilante outfit?
Unfortunately, the third part of Fergus’s master plan was his downfall. He bought an electric blue jumpsuit off Temu (glow in the dark of course) and was found trying to break into Fenwick with a 6-pack of blueberry-scented markers. He gave PubSafe quite a run for their money, but the wild pursuit came to an unfortunate end just outside of Kimball. The stairs tragically tripped him, and he fell screaming NOOOOO in slow motion before losing consciousness. In the end, poor Fergy Fizzywig was expelled for his lack of purple pride.
In hopes of abolishing even the tiniest sliver of remembrance to Mr. Fizzywig, Holy Cross signed the Declaration of Purple Dependence which has been slowly working to remove all traces of blue from the Hill. Thus, the big, shiny blue recycling bins that used to sit beside the dumpsters were banned for all eternity.
The happiness of Holy Cross was restored and lasted for many purple years. Now, the memory of poor Fergus Fizzywig has all but fizzled out, contained to a simple online forum of academic thought, parking atrocities, and your regular TMI gasp-worthy deeds.
With this story now fresh in your mind, keep the recycling baskets in your dorm on the DL. Once the Declaration of Purple Dependence Committee decides its time for another purple purification, those precious seconds of feeling like we’re helping the planet by tossing a few cans into our dorm recycling bins will be DESTROYED forever. So please, don’t give them any ideas. The color blue doesn’t exist.
Stay smart, stay safe, and PURPLE PRIDE!!!
Side note: sources have reported a mysterious blue dumpster outside of Brooks……the spirit of BigFerg Fizz lives on!!
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
Copy Edited by Lauren Zerella ’29
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