Patrick Ryan ’27
Watched Conclave once
WORCESTER, MA—Last weekend, sophomore Ralph Lawrence was searching for summer internships on LinkedIn when he noticed an unusual recommendation on his feed: Papa. Lawrence, an avid enjoyer of Papa’s Pizzeria, Freezeria, and the twenty other “Papa-eria” games, immediately clicked on the listing. “Huh, Holy See?” Lawrence mused. “That’s a weird name for a restaurant.” Despite this, the job description seemed right up Lawrence’s alley. “Spiritual leader? Check. I was a camp counselor back at home, that’s close enough, right? Background in theology? You betcha. I knew that Intro to Buddhism class I took last fall would come in handy! Ability to downplay scandals? Hey, I wouldn’t have gotten into college if I didn’t know how to do that! And so, Lawrence applied. After all, the posting was only requesting a resume and a cover letter.
The next day, Lawrence was watching Sinners when a breaking news alert interrupted the movie. “Hey what the hell, it was finally getting good!” Lawrence moaned. Anderson Cooper appeared on the screen, accompanied by a picture of the Vatican. “This better be good,” Lawrence muttered, rolling his eyes. “A new pope has been selected by a conclave of cardinals!” Cooper cheerfully announced as a video of white smoke emanating from the Sistine Chapel played. “They’re letting birds choose the pope now?!” Lawrence exclaimed. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “Yeah, yeah, hold on, I’ll be there in a sec, apparently we’re letting animals control everything now. Alright who is it, you better not be some religious yahoo trying to sell me on your-” Lawrence’s tirade was cut short as he opened his dorm door and saw the hallway filled with men in robes. Out the window, he saw a mob of people surrounding Healy, covering every last square inch of the Hoval.
“For Christ’s Sake!” cried Lawrence. “Yes!” the cardinal closest to the door replied. “That is exactly why we are here! Congratulations my child, you have been chosen to lead the Catholic Church! Tell us, please, what name will you take?” Bewildered, Lawrence began to sweat. “Listen I don’t know why you’re here, I’m innocent, I tell you!” “Ah, a wonderful choice,” the cardinal answered. Pope Innocent XIV it is! Please, come outside and join those who have come to celebrate your pontificate!” Lawrence, excited by the prospect of becoming super famous, started to grin. But then, a somber expression overtook his face. “Look, I am really honored and all that you came all the way from Italy or whatever to throw this party for me, but I’m just a kid! The world is a really scary place right now, and the last thing we need is for people to lose their faith because some moron like me is running the Church! So I really appreciate it, but it would be better if you found someone that people can truly look at as a beacon of light during these dark times.” The crowd, overwhelmed by Lawrence’s humility, let out a collective “awwww” as everybody exchanged a heartfelt smile with each other. “You get to drive the Popemobile.” “Nevermind, I’m in.”
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
Copy Edited by Lilly Baumfeld ’27
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