Mack Hughes ‘25
Has anyone heard from the seahorses?
Last week, Trump launched a global import tax scheme. Not one single inch of this planet was spared from his greedy plot, not even the icy tundra of Heard Island. This remote, barren, 7-day trip away from the coast of Perth, isolated patch of earth is home only to a colony of 100,000 penguins and several seal and sea bird varieties. According to Animalology Professor Bob Right, one of the only humans to visit the recluse ecosystem within the last decade, said that it “would be hard to imagine what Heard Island’s trade relationship with the U.S would look like.” Whether the penguin tariff was a rushed mistake on the Trump administration’s part or a targeted attack on the beloved waddlers, a retaliation is imminent. A script for March of the Penguins Two: March on Washington has already been drafted, and production will take effect soon. Unfortunately, these titans of the Southern Hemisphere glaciers are amongst several other species that fell victim to Trump’s tariffs.
The giraffes of Africa’s Falkland Islands received a penalty for, to quote MTG, “their ungodly long necks. There shouldn’t be anything that tall walking around, let me tell you.” Unlike the random assault on the penguins, Trump’s aggression towards the large-hoofed mammals is apparently a long time in the making. According to top officials, Trump was threatened by not being the tallest thing with a little tuft of red hair in the room. If they want the height, they’ve got to be willing to pay the price!
**Statement from the editor: It has since been revealed that Trump revoked his giraffe tariff after learning that the animal does not, in fact, have thumbs and therefore cannot pay**
Hammerhead sharks of the Norwegian archipelago, Svalbard, were another group that failed to escape Trump’s fury and wrath. Again, the existence of major exports between the hammerheads and the U.S. is blurry. Allegedly, the White House has been disturbed for a long time by the audacity of the cartilaginous fish to plagiarize its name after a tool it barely resembles. “It looks nothing like a hammer!”, stated MTG in a recent congressional meeting. This egregious, violent attempt at exercising power is one made by food, not friend. To staff at the Eggplant, it appears the tariffs are aimed at beloved animated characters, Kowalski, Melman, and Bruce. Who will be Trump’s next victim before he is stopped? Simba? Dumbo? BAMBI?
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
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