Ian Sykes ‘28
If only I could craft myself out of tax fraud
It was a dark and stormy night. My “wife’s” boyfriend, Tyrone, sat on the couch. After throwing an empty bottle of beer at me for forgetting to grab him another, he snatched my Nintendo Switch and put it atop the kitchen counter. As he taunted me, knowing it was too high up for me to reach, my “wife” merely scoffed.
After running away in tears, I sulked back to my room and slammed the door. Admiring my life-size cardboard cutout of Jack Black as Steve, I pondered, “If only I had a boyfriend like you, Steve. I wonder why my wife doesn’t like me.” Looking in my mirror, I gazed at the “Will Sell Wife For Minecraft Movie Tickets” shirt I was wearing. “I just hope Tyrone lets me stay up past my bedtime,” I said, before getting in my Creeper bed. As I booted up “Minecraft – Girlfriend Mod Edition” on my secret Nintendo 3DS beneath the sheets, my “wife” entered the room.
Immediately scorning me, she used language far too inappropriate for my young 37-year-old ears to hear. “Listen here, Archibald. If you keep buying Creeper lamps and gambling my retirement savings on Mojang stock, we’re never going to be able to afford tickets to the Minecraft movie!” Though my immediate impulse was to tell her to get the frick out of my room because I’m playing Minecraft, I thought for a moment – what if I just sold my wife?
Deciding to be the bigger person and not escalate the situation, I demanded she “Get the frick out of my room! I’m playing Minecraft!” to which she left, understanding that the Alpha is above the “wife.” Once she left, I quickly sold her on the black market for $50,000. I could finally see the Minecraft Movie!
I left my room, excitedly approaching Tyrone and my “wife” on the couch. I exclaimed, “We can finally go to the Minecraft movie!” After which, we piled in the family Subaru Hybrid and raced to the theater.
As we took our seats, Tyrone leaned over to me and whispered, “Does she know?” to which I responded, “No, I don’t think so.” He said, “She thinks I don’t like you… but you know that’s not true.” “Yeah, I think we got her,” I said. Looking over to my “wife,” I noticed she was enamored with Jack Black as he yelled “Chicken jockey!”
There it was – the safeword. Tyrone quickly swept me up, and we escaped the theater, with my “wife” still watching Jack Black as he said, “I… am Steve.”
Knowing that she would soon be abducted, Tyrone and I rejoiced. Thank goodness! My marriage with Tyrone was saved! Even though my [REDACTED] “wife” tried to steal him from me, she was a mere means to an end. With her gone, me and Tyrone can place our beds next to each other forever!
You know, after all this, maybe… the real Minecraft was the friends of mine that I’ve crafted along the way.
Featured image courtesy of IMDb
Copy Edited by Annamaria DeCamp ’27
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