Kimberly Von Randow ’28
Rock Salt Enthusiast
In an event that will go down in campus history (and likely on several hospital records), an entire prospective student tour group was sent into a chaotic descent down the Dinand Library stairs. Witnesses report that the disaster began when the tour guide, an experienced senior who has survived the steps for four years under all weather conditions, took a slightly too ambitious step down a cracked part of the stairs.
“It was like watching a line of dominoes fall, but with way more screaming,” said a sophomore, who had broken through the Stein Hall crowd and was going up Dinand to print a few dozen readings. “One moment they were excited about our ‘alumni network,’ or whatever, and the next they were just gone. Just rolling and rolling. I think I heard the Wilhelm scream from one of them.”
According to campus safety reports, the tour consisted of 20 wide-eyed high school sophomores and juniors, their equally hopeful parents, and one younger sibling who had been promised an ice cream cone from the Kimball soft serve machine in exchange for being quiet. Witnesses say that as soon as the first parent lost their footing after the tour guide, the group quickly turned into a jumble of flailing limbs and campus brochures to the wind.
“I tried to warn them, I really did,” said the tour guide, who emerged from the wreckage suspiciously unharmed. “I’m just glad they didn’t knock down the Hand of Christ. I would’ve gotten in big trouble. With the school and God, I don’t even know which one is worse.”
Emergency response was lackluster, as PubSafe arrived thirty minutes late because they were patrolling the area to make sure no parties were going on. As if anybody would throw one in this weather. Miraculously, there were little serious injuries — mostly a few bruises, sprained ankles, and some crushed dignity. Not even CAPS can help with that last one.
Despite the chaos, college administrators are considering leaning into the disaster as a new recruitment strategy. “We’ve always said that our campus builds resilience and critical thinking skills,” said the Dean of Admissions. “What better way to prove that than by giving potential students an immediate test of their survival skills?”
The Office of Admissions has warned students of walking down Dinand carefully in the rain, advice we could’ve used when the stairs were covered in ice this past winter. Meanwhile, students across campus have been attempting to throw themselves down the stairs in hopes of collecting insurance money to help pay for the recent tuition increase. It is currently unknown if any of them succeeded in their goal, but the number of falls have grown since midterms, either purposefully or not.
To all lowly high schoolers and struggling college students, stay vigilant I tell you.
Featured image courtesy of College of the Holy Cross
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ’28
Leave a Reply