Mack Hughes ‘25
Going off the grid for a while
My day started off like any other regular Friday. Cold, dark, and alone. Except for one very strange detail: I was added to a government war planning group chat. Usually, the only messages I wake up to are my Handshake weekly job roundup and a warning that my EZ Pass tolls are unpaid. So, needless to say I was quite perturbed by the influx of texts I was getting. Once my eyes adjusted to the glaring noon light, I took a second glance at the messages. Air strike this, missile mission that. Was this just another thread of bizarre Fizz posts? I investigated further.
The messages were coming from an app called “Signal”, which I completely forgot I had downloaded. I think the only time I used it was when I was trying to send my friend an encrypted voice memo of all the gossip from Spring Break, but it eventually got leaked. I guess I didn’t remember to delete it. Anyways, the texts were sent by a group called “Government Girly Pops.” I figured this was maybe just the chat I used for the poli-sci group project I worked on last semester. The texts sounded pretty similar, honestly:
“What?”
“Typing too fast … walking into … girlfriend’s building”
“Excellent”
I mean, there were lots of Michaels and Johns in the class, and even a kid named JD who only raised his hand when he could speak about some racist, misogynistic, blatantly homophobic opinion he held. Needless to say, I couldn’t make heads or tails of what was going on. After spending a lot of time trying to wrap my head around these messages to no avail, I eventually had to leave for class. When I got out, the texts got really weird. Emoji after emoji, the group was flooding my phone. Flames, fists, flags. What did I get myself into? Did I accidentally forget to take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw? Oh, wait, I’m an adult and my mom lives three hours away. The hysteria was getting to me. The only thing I could think to do was respond with: “New phone, who dis?”
Then, radio silence. No messages for hours until I eventually got the notification I was unadded from the group chat. My feelings were low-key hurt. It reminded me of the time I was added to a group chat with my friends planning a trip to Applebees, and when I asked what time we were leaving, they deleted the chat. But, honestly, this time hurt more. Why couldn’t I know these sensitive, classified Yemen attack operations?
When The Atlantic reached out to me for comments, I was happy to hand over the screenshots of the messages because when you get cheated on, you learned to keep the receipts. A few days later, my friends spammed me with texts that I need to turn on the news. Apparently, the White House press secretary went on a smear campaign against me during her latest briefing. “She cuts in line at Kimball, she has a negative GPA”, blah blah blah. Hey listen, not everyone has time to wait in line for an hour on Chicken Parm Thursdays! You know what, that is the last time I try to interfere with top national security! If you want my advice and strategic know-how, you have my number!
👊🇺🇸🔥
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
Leave a Reply