Patrick Ryan ’27
(Almost) undefeated at Clue
SHREWSBURY, MA—Sitting on the living room floor with his older sister, local boy Ryan Evans reportedly forgot to factor that day’s dramatic headwinds into the trajectory of his anti-ship missile, causing it to harmlessly land in the ocean three clicks west of his sister’s Ticonderoga-class cruiser. Evans, who had already lost his submarine and was on the verge of losing his battleship, was apparently ashamed of this grave mistake, shouting in disbelief and nearly knocking over the glass of chocolate milk he had beside him, despite his mother’s warnings that he could not have food on the rug.
Evans’ sister Casey, amused by her brother’s anger, suggested that Evans should “maybe actually try hitting one of my ships,” before completely blowing Evans’ battleship to smithereens, scattering hunks of steel and debris across the Pacific Ocean. This stinging comment only further clouded Evans’ judgment, causing him to call out a coordinate that he had already fired upon, as he previously forgot to place the white peg on his own radar. Casey, whose fleet remained entirely intact save a single hit on her destroyer, eagerly welcomed Evans’ blunder, and cheerfully declared, “MISS!” In a devastating blow to the morale of Evans’ navy, Casey then landed a direct shot on Evans’ lone aircraft carrier, with the missile being seemingly guided by some sort of divine providence.
At this point, Evans leapt up from his seated position and accused his sister of using some sort of “black magic” or “mirror trick” to so accurately determine where his fleet was positioned. Casey slyly replied that she “simply had a better grasp of maritime combat and also wasn’t a total moron.” Unable to think of a clever response, Evans kicked the board across the room, sending hundreds of miniature pieces of plastic all over the place, with some even making their way beneath the couch.
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
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