Piper Guiney ’28
Puerto Rico unavailable after Mofongo food poisoning incident
Welcome to Trip-der, the world’s first and only dating app for hot new vacation destinations! We want you to find your soulmate, but we know a person isn’t going to cut it! Stop kidding yourself and join us on a magical journey to white sand beaches, the wonders of the world, and discounted flights on certain dates! We know many of you have holiday on the mind, so let us introduce you to some of our best contestants for your spring break trip:
She’s tacky, she’s low budget, and she’s guaranteed to send you back with an illness you didn’t know existed… Meet The Bahamas! Do you want to spend your spring break getting poisoned (sun or alcohol, you pick)? Or do you want to experience your high school’s senior class trip that you weren’t invited on? Then Baha is the girl for you! Some may say you’re settling for a subpar, classless vacation, but hey, settlers are no strangers to the Bahamas (shout out Christopher Columbus)!
Hey there old reliable, it’s Florida! Did your group want to go to Mexico but your one friend Steve doesn’t have a passport and won’t get one because “that’s how the government gets you”? (Side note: He will fit right in in Florida.) Then we have the place for you. This magical land has something for everyone. Boys can go fishing and girls can go wild. What’s the best part about Florida you ask? Well, here’s my answer: the best part is [REDACTED]! Florida has many options. For example, 5,000 screaming children at Disney, or 5,000 groaning senior citizens at literally any other part of the state. Count yourself with the snowbirds as you see an 80-year-old man vaping while wearing a Speedo. Ultimately, if you want to spend a week eating alligator jerky and disappointing your parents, Florida’s semi-welcoming arms are open!
Finally, for truly the worst people, there’s Las Vegas! What doesn’t Vegas have (besides anything derived from nature)? Let us tell you something: if you like walking around the most overstimulating places on earth that may or may not be responsible for 72% of all seizures in Nevada, then this place is perfect! Fun fact: 99.99% of all gamblers quit right before they win, so forget your classes and just stay at the casino. When you’re rich off your winnings, you won’t need a degree anyway. If it’s good enough for Elvis, it’s good enough for you! And things ended totally fine for him anyway…
So, Trip-der users, we encourage you to keep searching for your perfect spring break destination and we hope you use us for all of your future vacations. And remember, stay trashy!
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ’28
Featured image Courtesy of Google Images
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