Patrick Ryan ’27
Carthago delenda est
Last month, Holy Cross moved to eliminate the Foreign Language Assistant program, a program where advanced English-speaking students from around the world would spend a semester at the College and lead practicums for world language classes. The College cited budgetary reasons as to why the program was being terminated and notified the current FLAs that they were now out of a job. This shocking decision was met with immediate pushback from both students and faculty alike—the FLA program has been a staple of most language courses here at the College, enriching both students’ cultural and educational experiences.
Consequently, petitions were quickly formed and a dialogue was started to preserve the program. Only a few short days later, the College reversed its decision, with the Provost’s Office stating that they are looking to explore “new ways to enhance our language programs and offerings at Holy Cross” in addition to restoring the program. And now, apparently looking to make amends for their error and citing the aforementioned “new ways to enhance our language programs,” Holy Cross has just announced it would be welcoming Tiberius Septimius as its first Latin FLA.
Tiberius hails from Rome and lives in a domus just east of the Colosseum. He arrived in Worcester earlier this month after the College’s newly formed Temporal Outreach Committee invited (or in actuality, captured) him to join the College’s faculty. Tiberius was safely transported all the way from 95 AD to 2025 with a ride in a time machine developed by the College that was inexplicably modeled after a 1981 DeLorean (if you were wondering why our tuition was just raised). The Roman’s arrival to campus was met with great fanfare. After all, Tiberius is now officially the oldest professor at Holy Cross at 1,962 years old, just barely edging out some of his colleagues.
Yet, despite all the buzz surrounding Tiberius’ arrival on campus, his performance in the classroom has been mediocre at best. Tiberius has spent most of the time in his practicums yelling, banging on the walls, and quietly sobbing in the corner. On his first day, Tiberius reportedly grabbed sophomore Steve Coogan by the shoulders and wailed “quid annus est?” to which Coogan replied, “Hey don’t call me that man, what the hell?” We attempted to reach Tiberius for a comment, but he declined. Hey, at least he’s finally doing his job now. Regardless of his success, we here at the Eggplant wish Tiberius success. It’s a shame that he’ll never get to read this though—there are no articles in Latin.
Author’s Note: I am sorry.
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ’28
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
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