Caitlin Wiffler ‘27
Head of Spire-Man Fan Club
After two glorious weeks of basking in the security of a hero that goes by the name of Spire-Man, it was revealed Tuesday that there was no such savior swinging by Smith. Turns out, the potential new mascot of Holy Cross turned out to be nothing more than a game of telephone.
“It was all a misunderstanding,” said Peter Porter ‘28. “Yes, I write for The Spire, but I’m no superhero! I don’t swing by writing investigative stories, I don’t save people from tripping over the icey, catastrophic stairs of Dinand, and I certainly don’t have writer-like senses that detect grammar mistakes!” It turns out that the beloved hero of the Hill is nothing more than a first-year student who writes for the Features section of The Spire. He revealed in a one-on-one interview with The Spire that someone misheard a conversation about a fictitious hero that goes by the name of Spider-Man, one that has spider-like senses to detect danger. The made-up chevalier’s name in this supposed “comic series” is Peter Parker, so Porter’s name was overheard instead.
“All week, people have been praising me, telling me that they can sleep peacefully at Holy Cross knowing there is someone like me guarding Easy Street. I was baffled by the idea! Who am I protecting these people from? Tomo?” said Porter. The naive first-year had no idea just how loyal of a fan base he had derived in such a short amount of time. Crusaders from east and west gathered to make pins labeled “I LOVE SPIRE-MAN,” there was a petition with over 10,000 signatures to mark February 3rd as Spire-Man Day, and there have been rumors that a fan club emerged. After denying the assumptions that Peter Porter is Spire-Man, he added, “and what kind of powers are those? Who wants to be saved from a guy who just knows how to type?” A remark that left the student body in a deep state of questioning; why did they yearn for Spire-Man?
For Gwen Stevey ‘27, the answer was simple: “He is a hero! His articles save people from reading ‘The Fenwick Review!’” Although for Jay Jonas Jonahson ‘25, it was much more: “When I first heard of this Spire-Man, I thought, ‘What a disgrace to journalism. What a conniving, conspiring, colluding criminal! A menace to the Hill, and everything it stands for!’ But then I saw the response from the rest of the students and I turned and said ‘Hey, this guy is pretty good.’” You know what I think? I think Holy Cross is in dire need of a mascot, and they are still trying to bandage the wound left by Iggy the Crusader.” For us here at The Spire, we are dealing with a great loss today. Spire-Man lifted us all. He was a knight. Hey, maybe he was a Crusader after all, even if he was completely based on a misunderstanding, and one horrible pun.
Featured image created by Emily Costello ’27, courtesy of College of the Holy Cross and Google Images
Copy Edited by Yana Giannoutsos ’28
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