Emma Hatem ’27
Running For President To Avoid Jail Time?
In a surprising development, third-party candidate Jeffrey Dahmer made a last-minute surge to win the 2024 Presidential Election. “I love the voters,” Dahmer said, “they taste good with a fine chianti” in a Tweet once results became clear. Dahmer has won over voters with a controversial campaign slogan, ‘Make America Taste Great Again’ (MATGA). Many voters were alarmed by the slogan and sentiments of his campaign, yet Dahmer still managed to get the job done. He denied that the slogan meant he actually wanted to eat anybody, then took to Twitter to make the statement, “East coasters pair well with marinara sauce, but west coasters taste best on avocado toast.”
Dahmer says he likes the taste of U.S. citizens exclusively, so he will build a series of butcheries along the border in order to keep American cuisine “pure.” He claims this will keep the “bad” meat out and the “good” meat in where he can eat it. Dahmer claims this ring of butcheries will keep him and other Americans safe from eating the poisonous meat. Dahmer says that the only option to protect the U.S. is to round up the poisonous meat and send it back to where it came from. Critics point out that this would leave Dahmer with far less meat to eat. These same critics wonder if Dahmer even knows that.
After Dahmer’s win, many people are considering the 4B Tasty movement, following in the footsteps of many young progressive protesters in South Korea. The movement is based on the simple idea that human beings have more to offer than their meat. The movement has grown to popularity in the U.S. as many who have suffered being eaten or a loved one being eaten are appalled that a known cannibal (though he says the accusations are “locker room talk”) has been put in the Oval Office (again). To protest, large groups of people are swearing off meat of any kind and becoming vegetarian. They say that by avoiding contact with meat entirely, they reduce their chances of being eaten.
Despite all odds against him, Jeffrey Dahmer has once again laughed in the face of morality and justice. With the highest position of power in the United States of America being held by a convicted felon, the only thing we can do is ask ourselves: Will he eat me next?
Featured image courtesy of CNN
Copy Edited by Lauren Backstrom ‘27
Web Edited by Zexuan Qu ’28
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