Piper Guiney ‘28
Bring Back HC Clear
‘Tis I, Dr. Anthony Fauci. You may know me as the American physician-scientist and immunologist who served as the director of the NIAID from 1984 to 2022, and the chief medical advisor to the president from 2021 to 2022. Although, who am I kidding, you out-of-touch youngsters only know me from your building that has my name on it. I myself attended Holy Cross, which is, as you know, a liberal arts school; or should I say liberal farts, L.O.L! Ironically, now I work with a bunch of liberal farts. Anyways, I am calling you students today with a dire message. Due to the concerningly heightened cases of the Holy Cough circulating on your campus, I find it crucial to inform everyone of the proper precautions you must take once you are infected.
The Holy Cough (government name: Consecrated Eutussia) can be traced back to the founding of the university in 1843 when, at the club hockey house, Benedict Joseph Fenwick shared his grail of mulled wine (from a keg, of course) with Thomas F. Mulledy who unfortunately had contracted fevers ranging in color from scarlet to yellow. Throughout the years, the epidemic has evolved from something that would kill a Victorian-era child to something you and your peers are expected to “tough out” or else you “can’t hang.” Oftentimes, for FOMO (fear of missing obligations), students infected with the virus will continue to push themselves while they would rather be catching Z’s. Fear not! As a survivor of the Holy Cough, I am here to tell you a foolproof way to quickly eliminate the disease.
If one finds themselves stricken with the illness, here’s what one must do:
First, drink as much alcohol as possible. Like a Clorox wipe, alcohol kills bacteria (ew!) and all the other icky whatever that’s festering inside you. Furthermore, you ideally should hit up a club, another club, no sleep, another club. Clubs help you sweat out the toxins you gross little frat babies are harboring. Going off of this, don’t sleep. You are most vulnerable when you’re catching up on a little shut-eye, and the Holy Cough will take this opportunity to sneak up and overpower you. If you must snooze, it’s in your best interest to keep one eye open when you’re sleeping; that way, the Cough thinks you’re winking and flirting with it and leaves you alone. Finally, don’t be afraid to lick your dorm’s bathroom floor to build up your immune system. A little black mold never hurt no one!
I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery. Fauci out *mic drop*
Featured image courtesy of Worcester Telegram & Gazette
Copy Edited by Sophia Olbrysh ’28
Leave a Reply