Mack Hughes ’25
Chief Eggplant Editor
At Least He Didn’t Bring Up the Election
There are so many reasons to look forward to Family Weekend at Holy Cross. Having your meals paid for, tailgating the football games, and I guess seeing your parents is pretty cool, too. Except, this year, my weird uncle showed up. We all have this uncle, you know, the one that shows up to Thanksgiving and says something vaguely sexist or homophobic and makes the room extremely uncomfortable. My weird uncle, though, is strangely obsessed with t-shirt cannons. I mean, like, obsessed. As in, that’s the only thing in his closet. T-shirts from t-shirt cannons. I think his entire collection is about 200-strong. It’s not just the t-shirts per se, it’s also the experience of catching the t-shirt. On one too many occasions he has pushed a child out of the way in pursuit of said t-shirt from said canon. His favorite t-shirt cannon memory is from a Portland Trail Blazers game, featuring the Blazers logo on it and an even bigger Wells Fargo logo. He doesn’t wear his Wells Fargo shirt much. He doesn’t even bank there. Anyways, he’s also well-versed on the history of the t-shirt cannon. Where most people think it was created by the Coyote mascot for the San Antonio Spurs, my uncle knows the real story. It actually dates back as far as WWII, with an invention by the Department of Miscellaneous Weapons Development. I hate that I now know this information. He’s also obviously up to date on all t-shirt cannon news, such as Auburn’s new t-shirt Gatling gun. My uncle already booked a ticket to go and see it. In fact, an unfortunate t-shirt cannon incident paid off my uncle’s mortgage and won him a free trip to Bermuda. During one tragic Mets home game, my uncle took a t-shirt to the eye, causing him to temporarily lose consciousness. Upon closer inspection of the VAR tape, it appears that my uncle actually leaned into the t-shirt with his face instead of catching it. That was probably the most exciting thing that happened during that game. Anyways, come his visit to campus for family weekend (who invited him??), he was overwhelmingly disappointed that Holy Cross did not have a t-shirt cannon at the football game. He commented on the matter, stating, “80k a year and no t-shirt cannon? Sheesh, who’s running this joint?” He did, however, take full advantage of those free clear bags they were giving away. He will be speaking to Kit Hughes concerning this pressing issue. So, sadly, my weird uncle will not be walking away with another t-shirt for his collection. I will, however, be walking away with traumatizing memories of my uncle shouting at the dance team, “Where’s my t-shirt!”
Featured image courtesy of Piper Guiney ’28
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ’28
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