Caitlin Wiffler ’27
Please Disregard If You’re Conor Wood
You know what I’m talking about. Those hats that every guy started wearing. They place it so delicately on their head like a tiara.
On a sunny Tuesday morning, President Rougeau stepped out on campus, excited for what this new day would bring. He thought to himself, “The flowers are in bloom, students are back, not a cloud is in the sky. Woah, woah, woah. What was that? Was that guy wearing a deflated football on his head? Hmm, that’s odd. Wait. There’s another one. Except this is no deflated football…it is a hat. That kid bought that thing? With money? Hmm, that is an interesting choice. I suppose everyone is entitled to their own fashion choices.” He kept on walking.
“Hey, why is that guy balancing a water balloon on his head? Hold on, is that another oddly shaped hat? This can’t be. Who is selling these poorly structured caps?” President Rougeau was struck with fear. “Alas, I suppose there is nothing I can do about this. After all, I am merely the President. I can’t ban hats.”
Turns out, President Rougeau was not the only one to notice the repugnant style choices of the men on campus. Women all across campus banded together to create a new club: Women Against Those Horrid Flat-Brimmed Snapbacks that Have Weird Designs on Them (Name is still under discussion). Their message is clear: get rid of those hats. The club meets every Thursday to discuss new ways to get those hats off campus. Strategies include: one girl goes up to the target and distracts them while another runs up and snatches the snapback, girl goes up to guy in Kimball, by the dishes, and says “Hey can I see that hat for a second? It’s really cool.” They proceed to throw the hat into the compost bin.
At the co-curricular extravaganza, more than half the student body signed up for the new club. Now, you may be all, like, “Hey, this can’t be allowed. This is bullying, right?” And to that WATHFBSTHWDOT says, “Take the hat off and we will disband.”
Featured image courtesy of Getty Images
Copy Edited by Sophia Mariani ’26
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