The Spire

Mackenzie Hughes ‘25

Eggplant Editor

The small but mighty woodchuck that goes by the name of Phil holds much responsibility in being able to predict whether or not we’ll have another six weeks of winter. My question is, what else can this all-powerful lowland creature prophesize? 

If he sees his shadow, the 49ers will win the Superbowl, because that means the sun is out and there’s hope for the country. 

If he sees his shadow, Rihanna will release a new album soon, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, Rihanna will release a new album soon (I really want her to release a new album).

If he sees his shadow, Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet will make their Met Gala debut, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, there will be absolutely no consequences whatsoever.

If he sees his shadow, Barry Keoghan and Kim Kardashian will start dating, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, she’ll have another short-term relationship with a different irrelevant celebrity.

If he sees his shadow, Super Mario Bros will win Best Picture at the Oscars, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, I’ll stop supporting the Academy of Motion Picture.

If he sees his shadow, Travis and Taylor will get engaged in 2024, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, Taylor fans will need something else to look forward to that will get them out of bed.

If he sees his shadow, gorilla-core will finally become a trend on Tiktok, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, the internet will remain a sad, empty, gorilla-less space.

If he sees his shadow, Warner Bros. will produce Dune Part 3, and if not, the movie will be written by Chat GPT and we might actually get a movie with some dialogue.

If he sees his shadow, Suits will get a spin-off sequel, and if he doesn’t see his shadow, Meghan Markle will need to think of another way to stay relevant. 

Our fate is in your hands, tiny soft rodent! 

Copy Edited by Hannah Torrey